Conversations with Kaida (Part 1)

Two nights ago several of us went to Outback to celebrate the birthday of a hero, so toast his life and talk about memories. (I may write a column on it, but who knows?)

While we were there, there was this baby in a high chair, sitting in what looked like an upside-down jester hat!



Just now I spent ten minutes looking online, and I found this. It's pretty close to what I saw, although the colors are more like the picture above:



Anyway, the baby was tiny, and sitting inside the jester hat it just struck me, and I even smiled at the baby quite a bit. Of course later I was talking to Kaida and she thought it was a great moment, and I made it clear I didn't think the baby is cute, because that is impossible.

I refer to you a column I wrote back in October of 2002, Potpourri, Volume VII:

THE UGLY TRUTH

Okay, people, I don’t want to start any riots here, but it’s time the truth was told, without fear or favor: while it seems to be a natural phenomenon that all animal babies are cute, all human babies are ugly. This doesn’t mean we don’t love them, aren’t proud of them, and can’t wait to fulfill our own meaningless lives by living vicariously through them, but we have to face the truth here, people. Babies are not aesthetically attractive when they are first born. It’s amazing to me how many people cannot accept this; especially women. They argue vociferously that babies are cute. Or, what’s worse, they admit the plain truth that most babies are not going to be Miss America candidates, but insist that their daughter/cousin/neighbor/co-worker/grandson’s baby is indeed beautiful enough to make Joan of Arc wither in shame. Give it up folks.

And while I’m on the subject, for the first few months, at least half a year, babies do not look like you or your dad or your Uncle Lenny. In fact, unless you have a Shar-Pei dog in the house, or Uncle Lenny is a red-faced mewling stinky drunk who cries a lot and sleeps the rest of the time, your baby only resembles the other ugly babies. In fact, I’m pretty sure this whole delusion that people (read: women) have into thinking babies are cute is nature’s way of making sure new exhausted mothers don’t trade their baby in on a masseuse.

I'm sorry if that upsets you, but it's the simple truth. The Hyperion of five years ago was a visionary. Babies are ugly, pure and simple, and it is genetics that trick us into thinking otherwise.

Of course Kaida disagreed, but sometimes women just can't face the truth.