Wednesday, December 16, 2009


I hit 500,000 hits for my website the other day. I know it's not much for some sites, but it made me happy.

(bottom right-hand side of picture)

(Thanks to Kaida for capturing the screen-shot and sending it to me)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Mirrored Desire


Stretched taut and waiting....

Lavender Haze,

Promised Craze

Mirrored Desire locks Intent.....

Porcelain Skin

Now Begin.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Hollow Men

[I reprint this poem about every year. I think it's my favorite poem on Earth.]

The Hollow Men

T.S. Eliot

Mistah Kurtz—he dead.

A penny for the Old Guy


We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom
Remember us—if at all—not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.


Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death’s dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer—

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom


This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man’s hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death’s other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.


The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death’s twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.


Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Monday, July 20, 2009


It was her Punishment, and her Salvation
For all Eternity, sentenced to stare at that Wall
To stare, and to remember a world she never knew.

Behind her back she reaches Forever
Hands impossibly gnarled, a story told in each wrinkle
Into those hands placed a Rose.

Her Punishment - flail herself with the Rose
To wound, to scourge, to cut and bleed
Thorns dig at skin, thorns dig at Shadow, Thorns dig at Sin


Petals softer than silk, more soothing than the coolest balm
Whispering strokes spread comfort, ease pain, bring peace
The Rose revitalizes what the thorns tear asunder.

Every hour, of every day, Forever.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Because Lothing should Rhyme

THINGS HYPERION HATES (remembering that he's so sick he's delirious)

Women Crying
Children Dying
Old Men Sighing

Leaders Lying
Catfish Frying
Swimsuits Drying
Why Ask Why-ing;

Mothers Prying
Job Applying
TP Buying
Rules for Flying;

Software Spying
Races Tying
Friends Ally-ing
Not Even Trying.

{A Hyperion production written by Hyperion Never forget the Abattoir}

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Now and Forever

You know who doesn't get enough credit? Richard Marx. James Taylor and Peter Frampton and that whole set...yeah, they're fine and dandy, but Richard Marx might have been the greatest Wuss Rocker (with a mullet) of all time. He needs his own top ten list. In the meantime, check out this heart-felt ballad that never gets enough attention. The lyrics are beautifully poignant.

Whenever I'm weary from the battles that rage in my head
You make sense of madness when my sanity hangs by a thread
I lose my way but still you seam to understand
Now and forever
I will be your man

Sometimes I just hold you
Too caught up in me to see

I'm holding a fortune that heaven has given to me
I'll try to show you each and every way I can
Now and forever
I will be you man

Now I can rest my worries and always be sure
That I won't be alone anymore
If I'd only known you were there all the time
All this time

Until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
Now and forever
I will be your man
Now and forever
I will be your man

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Bob Dylan - Love Sick

I'm really not that knowledgable bout Bob Dylan, but the deeper I delve the more I see the genius. I have more, but in comparison I would just sound stupid and inauthentic, so I'll shut up now.

Friday, May 29, 2009


I am supposed to have written a tribute that was to come out this morning...but I totally cannot concentrate on it. I got it half done, and then I break down.

Where's an Incan Monkey god when you need them?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

...but a good idea is a good idea?

I think I just accidentally propositioned a gay man. The Gays are a fine people, but I don't happen to swing that way. Do I attempt further communication, hoping to clear things up, or wait and see how he takes it?

(Sigh: it's sentences like that last one that get me into trouble in the first place. Luckily for me, besides a hip fashion sense and an ability to circumnavigate the ocean using only the stars as references, the Gays are known for a good sense of humor, so if fortune holds I may be okay.)

Here's what happened.

Someone I know needed a new "Internet" name since her co-worker was causing workplace hate on her. You've probably been there. As long-time readers know, I am be the bestest namer EVER, and would even consider halting my takeover of the world if I were allowed to simply name everything that happens/births/emerges from now on.

I jumped at the chance to supply the new name, but not knowing the woman very well (we only just met), I didn't have a lot of knowledge about what the name needed.

She ended up going with someone else's choice, and after initially attempting to insinuate (okay: flat-out claim) that the winning fellow sold poisoned milk to school children I gave up graciously (more or less) and congratulated him.

He responded, and I couldn't help throwing back a bitter comment that I felt like a Beauty Pageant Runner-up: fake smile, trying not to cry, and desperately hoping there were nude pictures of him out there somewhere.

I really knew nothing about the guy, despite his huge character flaw of beating me he seemed pretty cool, so I checked out his site, where I made the discovery that he was gay.

Suddenly my "desperately hoping for nudie pics" comment took on a whole new slant. I'm pretty sure (by context) he will know I was continuing the analogy of Runnerupdom, but best be prepared, yes?

(And yes, this whole thing played out on Twitter. You had to even ask?)

Monday, May 25, 2009

The most horriblest thing to ever happen

Warning: do not read this entry if you are easily distraught and emotionally frail.

I have this this, this thing that I love to do. Call it comfort food....TO THE MAX. I take a regular box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese and prepare it normally. (Or, if I'm really lucky, I spring for the deluxe box. Yes it costs more, but you don't have to monkey with the powder, butter or milk, and the final product is so much smoother.)

Anyway, after everything is made, I add a smidge more milk and butter (for lube), and then go to town. I usually add cheddar, and if we have it Swiss, and heck: anything I can find. Then, I throw in black olives (if I have them), green olives (ditto), both all chopped up, maybe some grape tomatoes; I kinda go to town. One time I even added some refried beans. (Didn't really work, but it was worth a shot.)

Most importantly, I add some kind of meat. whatever is left over. Maybe I cut up that last piece of chicken or pork chop. Sausage is a real treat, although I like to cut it up and render it in the oven first, because A) little black flavor bits! and B) gets much of the fat out, which can mess up the dish. And of course, if the gods are with me, bacon.

I throw everything in a Pam-sprayed pie-tin, and then I crush up....something into a Ziploc bag, add some of that Parmesan you use on pasta, a tiny bit of melted butter, and sprinkle a little more melted cheese and the crumb topping all over. (Or if I'm feeling really decadent, I'll lay slices of Swiss on top or those mozzarella pull apart sticks.)

The whole thing goes into the oven until I can't stand it any longer, and I pull it out. I like the inside creamy, and even more important, the outside all crunchy with flavor. Usually I have a helping before it's done (can't wait), and then slip the dish back in the oven (turned off) until I'm ready for the second helping, which is to die for.

Cut to tonight. I bought the Kraft deluxe box almost a month ago, but somehow managed to save it for a special occasion. (Honoring people for Memorial Day...duh.) I had two cans of black olives that somehow survived in my room. (All I can say is that it's a good thing there is no can opener in here.)

A few days ago my dad made bacon, and I HEROICALLY hoarded it, going without a bacon and cheese bagel, which is the equivalent of Gandhi sleeping between two seventeen year old virgins every night to test his purity. (It's true; look it up.)

To top that all off, my mom got me my own can of green olives the other day: the stars were aligned. We had every cheese known to man, I had hoarded a few more, and I was set to go to work.

Now, when I say "hoarded," specifically when referring to things that go in the refrigerator, I am speaking of my mom's new "basket" system. Since we often eat at different times and different things, and since certain foods, if not nailed down, have a tendency to simply disappear, my mom thought putting four baskets in the fridge, each labeled with a name, would solve the problem. When she divided some foods up they went in the basket, and if I buy something for me, that's where it goes.

Sounds perfect, right?

[Cue horrific PSYCHO violin music]

Cut (back to) tonight. I had the deluxe box all made. My olives were cut up nicely and dry. I found medium cheddar and sharp cheddar (already shredded!), my hoarded brie, mozzarella sticks and some sort of cubed Colby jack from Hickory Farms. There was even some pre-shredded fiesta blend of four cheeses; the kind you buy in the grocery store for taco night. To top it all off, our Parmesan wasn't the Kraft powder kind that's pretty low quality, but actually shredded and delicious.



To recap: this wasn't bacon that was for everyone, and I counted on it but came upon bad luck. That has happened to me more times than I care to remember, but life goes on. No, this was bacon specifically mine, already cooked, and not eaten--WHICH IF YOU KNOW ME, OR BACON, IS REALLY REALLY HARD--and to top things off--IT WAS IN MY "BASKET" IN THE FRIDGE!!!!!!!

I mean, what is the point of having a Hyperion Basket in the first place if people can just take bacon out of there all willy nilly? Did you know that in some cultures you can legally kill a man for taking your bacon. (Okay, not really, but wouldn't that be a just and fair law? Who but child molesters would be against it?)

So here I am, ready to assemble the greatest Macaroni and Cheese casserole one can possibly make not completely from scratch, and I am thwarted by the missing bacon. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I cried. But I cried. (In my defense, they were tears of rage.)

Now, you might be saying, "Hyperion, by your own admission you've gone without bacon in your mac'n'cheese bake before. It's not the end of the world."

True enough. There have been times without bacon. Surely the wonderful black and green olives would be enough to console me in my hour of need. But you're forgetting one important fact.

The pain of no bacon is great, but the pain of expected bacon THAT DOES NOT ARRIVE is so great as to be like gangrene of hope. All that is left is amputation. Of your dreams.

Sniff sniff.

So I don't have bacon. In a few minutes I will go into the kitchen, going through the motions like a man in a loveless marriage, and pull my baked dish from the oven. The Keebler Club Cracker-crust (with that little bit of butter and Parmesan and just a touch of pepper) will give off heat and color to impress the most heartless of food judges. My dish will smell delicious, and taste like ash in my mouth.

Oh, and to make matters worse? I just remembered there is sliced provolone I forgot all about.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Latest Injury Update - Clue?

Not only did one ankle go down, they both went down, simultaneously! I am not even kidding.

Actually, it gives me some clue as to how this may be happening. Long-time readers know that for years one ankle or the other would inexplicably suddenly just go down, making walking difficult or impossible, and of course very very painful.

The injuries themselves are not inexplicable; I know what I have, finally, but how the "event" that would trigger each episode has always been a mystery, as is the duration of the incapacitation. 48 hours, a week, 2 weeks, 8 weeks.

Anyway, this morning I had fallen asleep, but was still in half-sleep. My right ankle had been hurting a bit since last night, but it was more feeling sore. I was watching it carefully. So, I'm half-dreaming and suddenly I feel both ankles pop at once and then tremendous pain. I was asleep during this, so I didn't really register was actually going on, but then I wake up two hours later and it's so bad I have to pull out the plastic jug. (And if you don't know what that means, I'm not tellin'.)

For the longest time the episodes are always "discovered" by me upon waking. I speculated that perhaps I was "twisting" the ankle muscles isometrically against the mattress, perhaps caught (because of my giant feet) while my body was turning from one position to the next. (When not dreaming I turn all over the place. Even dreaming I often will awaken for 1.2 seconds, only long enough to change sides.)

I know this sounds like a crazy theory, and I'm not an expert in kinesiology or neurology or...I'm not even sure what the other related fields would be. (What more proof of my non-expert status do you need?)

But to me the force metrics seems to work. My feet are gigantic, and stuck on this tiny mattress I am shoehorned to begin with. (Sorry for the preposition. My pain medicine just wore off and if I don't get this written right now quickly I won't do it.) If one foot got caught under the other leg, or I just turned with too much torque, I could see twisting the ankle against the relatively immobile mattress until the of my body made the shift. I wouldn't know I did it until awakening, because I'm asleep.

(As I was only half asleep earlier today, perhaps that's why I felt the pops, although it doesn't explain how I could twist both at the same time, assuming the theory was correct. Maybe I was involved in some sort of nefarious plot to stop the Nazis. Who knows?)


As a follow-up that has nothing to do with anything, Carlos called on the way back from the Casino. He wanted me to hang out at Denny's for an hour or so and meet his woman. (I'd say girlfriend, but for all I know they got engaged or even married at the Casino.) Truth told I didn't like the idea of hobbling all the way outside, but he was going to pick me up and let me sit in the backseat of an SUV with my feet up, and I could put my ankles up at Denny's, too, so all in all it didn't seem like such a risk.

So then just a few minutes ago Carlos calls. "We're on LaGrange. What turn do we take?"

LaGrange? Can't think of any streets around here called that, especially near the exits. "Wait, are you ON LaGrange or IN LaGrange?"

"Dude, I told you, we're in LaGrange. We are on 85."

"Carlos, 85 doesn't come near Columbus. You're way north of here. You're 50 miles from here."



"Well, I told you we'd come visit. We'll still come down."

"No, dude. You're 50 miles from here, but you're halfway home. (To Atlanta.) You don't want to backtrack all that way. Just keep on to home, and I'll see you another time."

It's just as well; tomorrow is Mother's Day, and if I am not 2 levels worse than now (Meaning Mobility is reduced to almost absurd levels and pain is through the roof), than I am going to figure out a way to make it to the big Mother's Day dinner. In the meantime, it would be beneficial to rest, and ice as much as possible all night. (Of course, the only problem with that plan is that ever time I would get up to change ice packs I do more damage to the ankle. Might be better to ice just once, for as long as possible, and then otherwise just keep the ankles elevated all night. (Insert inappropriate joke here.)

I feel like I should wrap up with something; a conclusion, an closing anecdote, a denouement. This is why I suck at blogging and so rarely do it.

I guess the best I can do is to say to Carlos (who doesn't go online so will never see this): thanks for trying, dude.

And what really sucks? He was going to drive through McDonald's and bring me a bunch of Mcnuggets. I could use a bunch of Mcnuggets right now. Or some bag-fries.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Ode to Bag Fries

You know how you pull away from the Drive-Thru, determined to make it home without eating your food ('cause you're civilized and shit), but you see those fries flirting with you, peaking out of the top all slutty and inviting, and the smell is intoxicating, and maybe just one?

You know how when you dig your fingers down into those hot salty fries sticking out of the top of the bag, and the fries are fresh and still too hot and you burn your fingers a little bit on the oil but you don't put the fries back, because the pain is one of those good hurts that make the fries taste even better?

Yeah, me too.

She likes 'em hot and oiled and she craves the pain.

Friday, May 01, 2009

You DON'T mess with Hyperion's Friends

A few days ago my friend (and occasional football scout) Wordnerd had a particularly nasty run-in with a co-worker. You know the type: he's attending night school to get his DoucheBag degree. The incident involved purposely not holding an elevator, and rather than confront said d'bag, Wordnerd appealed to her net-friends to curse the man properly.

There were a few misfires, but most of the curses were pretty good. And then there was mine.....

Thoughtfully, I have pasted them below. Again, keep in mind: this man is a total jack-ass.

May sand fleas infest your underwear drawer.

May your favorite professional sports team get caught in an orgy with the team you most hates.

May your bicycle get stolen by a ten year old girl, who comes by daily to taunt you over it, and regularly kicks your ass just to maintain her dominance.

May a video of you and a goat (a literal goat) surface on You Tube.

May the goat be unattractive.

May you be raped by pit bulls.

My incontrovertible video evidence show that the pit-bull love was consensual. May this evidence show up on You Tube.

May the pit bulls be unattractive.

May you find romance online with a younger woman, who actually “gets” you, and may you eventually meet her and fall in love with her and leave your family for a shot at true happiness.

May your new love be nine months pregnant and in the hospital ready to deliver, and may you meet her mother for the first time, and realize she’s someone you hooked up with in college, the girl who’d just dropped out one day and nobody knew why, but there were rumors she was pregnant, and I think you know where I’m going with this…..

DON’T F**K WITH WORDNERD, ’cause I can make all this happen.

Betrayal Painting - The backstory

I was asked about a painting I featured at the beginning of my Top Ten List of Betrayal Quotes.

Here is the painting:

"Phryne Before the Areopagus" by Jean-Leon Gerome

The painting is called "Phryne Before the Areopagus" by Jean-Leon Gerome.

You're gonna wanna check out the Wikipedia Page on Phryne. One of the better stories you'll read this month. (And I say that on May 1st. Yeah. I went there.)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

My goal really is to take over the Internet by owning EVERY website

Just got a multiple Brain-Explosion for 4 new website ideas. (I know, I know, but still)

Anyone up for something new and cool, let me know.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Pixies - Where Is My Mind At?

Someone I follow on Twitter named Izabael ( posted a link to this Pixies' song. I love the song, but I'm even more interested in seeing if I can embed it. If this works, I can start posting music without always having to post the video, which sometimes gets int the way.

[Fingers Crossed]

Doris Mortman

“Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.”

~Doris Mortman

Lift Up Thine Eyes (Pain No More)

I generally try to only complain about things that don't matter, truly inconsequential things, which taken en masse as "meta," reveal a mocking commentary on myself and people who really do complain 24/7. It's part of my Reverse-Polarity Street Cred.

Of course, it only works if I am copacetic about the medium and big things in Life; of which I handle with varying degrees of success. I have tried hard to cultivate and earn a reputation of stoicness (stoicity? stoicallity?) when it comes to pain. It's a big part of my life, but we all got something, yes?

Lately I admit falling off the wagon. Not so much on my website(s), but on Facebook and Twitter I noticed I have been carping up a storm. I suppose legitimately people do want to know what's going on, and though I treat Status Updates as mini-theatre, it IS for giving the 411 (or with my long-windedness, the 822), and even then, I have tried to be funny, to allow the pain to be entertaining to others.

But I is done with that.

As I often like to slap into others--and as should often be slapped into me--we all got problems, but others have it worse. That doesn't de-legitimize our feelings. A bad day sucks for us, no matter where on the "Suck" scale it actually ranks. But we gotz to have perspective. Blowing off steam after a tough shift at work can be therapeutic. Do it every day and it becomes habit, infects your attitude, and almost guarantees more misery in the future.

But I digress; I was scolding me.

Yeah, I gotz me some pain, but it ain't nothin' but a thing, compared to some. Just read an update about a friend of mine; from his wife. Why hasn't the friend bothered to keep people informed? Oh, he's been in the hospital for four weeks, in so much pain he doesn't know where he is or what's going on.

Maybe, if it's not too much trouble, I can manage to shut the fuck up about my own whatever, and focus on others. Maybe, if I can get around to it, I can remember that there are so many less fortunate and if I have absolutely nothing better to do, maybe I can even help someone else out sometime.

But at least I can do the shut up part.

From here on, I will cease complaining about pain. (Semironically, I have been working on a column on pain, but I think there are big-picture issues there that need to be addressed, so I will continue, albeit with more humility.)

Pain is part of everyone's life, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a large part of mine, so ignoring it altogether would be weird after awhile. So I'm not saying that it never comes up. Things happen, they are part of life or whatever story I'm telling, and even if all that weren't true, you people, my Tribe, many of you care and want to know. (Awwwwwwwww.)

I'm just sayin' that I'm not going to Woe-Is-Me any more. Now, me sayin' it and it being true are often two different things, so if I start to moan and groan, you call me on it. Mock me, challenge me, tell me to think of the Children. Well, not them, but something!

You know, in the Bible there is an ofte-used phrase, "Lift up thine eyes." There are many meanings to the expression in Hebrew, but one of them is to focus on others, and moreover, it means to get out of your comfort zone. When we focus on others, when we get out of that little place where we feel safe and warm, we grow as people. I may not be able to take away everyone's pain, but if I am going to focus on pain, I want it to be others', even if it is pain and people who make me uncomfortable.

And maybe that helps my pain abate, so it's win/win.

Or at the very least, at least I'll shut up.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Twitter Dreamz

I finally -- FINALLY! -- figured out a bit what I am doing on Twitter. "How Hypey got his groove back." I can now, with a clear conscience, totally recommend you follow me there. Whether you have a phone or just use internet, you need to be on Twitter, if only just for me. -

Tuesday, April 07, 2009


Watched my first Blu-Ray movie last night. THE PRINCESS BRIDE. All I can say is Wow.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Speak No Evil

I've decided to give up speaking aloud.

Until Easter. At least.

If you must communicate with me, email me. Write on my Wall on Facebook. IM me. Send me an ecard.

smoke signals.


But no speaking.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Prisoners of TIME

Prisoners of TIME

We are Prisoners of TIME.

Not having the first idea what it means,
Not understanding that it is Not TIME that enslaves us, but that
Our very idea of what Time is what
Shackles us,
Limits us,
Defines our lives in every way possible.

We are Prisoners of TIME, and we do not even know it.

Oh, we know that we live by the Clock,
Rushing to and fro in an endless maze,
Desperate to make this meeting or that Soccer Game, and
God forbid if we forgot to set the TiVo for Idol.

But these things are not Prison. These things are
Little children playing at dress-up in their parents' clothes,
Going through the motions and repeating things they've heard,
With only the vaguest Clue of what they mean.

We are Prisoners of TIME because we do not understand what
TIME is, and more importantly, what it is not.
Check Spelling

We think of TIME as a Dimension, a Duration, a Reality;
Part of our Physical World.

It is none of these things.

If we knew what TIME really was, we would not believe it.

So, we hold to our Construct. We accept the World as it is presented to us.

We stay in our Prison, never even glancing at the Iron Door,
Never noticing the Key already in the Latch, just
Waiting to be turned and

Set us Free.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Here I go again

out About to head out to a surprise birthday party (60th) for my dad. I have him, and am responsible for getting him there.

This is either going to be a huge success, or you will be reading about me on CNN. There's really no in-between.

More later.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

World's Biggest Dwarf

Yesterday I took my sister to get some food. We passed a Chick-Fil-A, and my cravings overcame me. Remembering my brother's ruling that a "Dwarf House" wasn't fast food, I turned in.

(In case you're not familiar, the Chick-Fil-A Dwarf House restaurants all have Dwarf this one:)

So, anyway, as we pull in, I notice that it's a regular Chick-Fil-A, looks like most stand-alone restaurants. Jerrica hasn't noticed this yet, and so I try one last loophole.....

"Have you ever heard of an eight foot dwarf?"

Sadly, no. The Chick-Fil-A drought goes on.

Facebook saves the Day....or does it?

Last night I was on my way to the library (itself a post that will probably never get written) when I suddenly remembered that today was the planned Julianne Moore List. I had not mentioned it to A.B. in weeks, and I was afraid that by the time I got home she would be unavailable.

I happened to have a borrowed cell phone on me. I called (from Georgia) out to Bear, working in Seattle. (He was my first choice because he's reliable, and because it was 7:00 my time, and he was the only one I could think of who might still be at work.)

I explained to Bear what I needed him to do. "Go to Facebook. Go to me. Look up my Friends. Go to A.B." (Bear doesn't know her.) "Message A.B. that I'm away from a computer but tomorrow is the Julianne Moore post, and I should be home about 8:30, so she shouldn't make plans."

This is more or less what I said. You know, I'm hot and I'm tired and stressed; I can't remember word for word.

Well, THIS is the forwarded Message A.B. sent me later. This is what my "friend" Bear sent:

I'm writing this message for Hyperion. He says that he is away from a computer until 8:30 p.m. Eastern, but he just remembered that tomorrow is the Julianne Moore post, so he wanted to remind you that, in case you had other plans like going out whoring (his words, not mine!).

I tell you the truth: there is no honor in the world. Bear's just lucky he's clear across the country.....

(On the plus side, is Facebook taking over the world or what? I've been working on a huge series of columns about this, but I never have time to finish it, because I'm always on Facebook!)

Monday, March 09, 2009

Lentils Update

An update on my goal to give up 7 things for Lentils.

CHIPS - They are all over the house, so there has been some frustration, especially the other day when I had Subway (love Love LOVE to put chips in my sandwiches), but overall not too bad.

- Piece of Cake, although I kinda feel that I okie-doked Lentils. I've been drinking a lot of iced tea lately, the idea was more to give up sugar in beverages than mere soda. Still...Rome wasn't built in a day.

- Shockingly easy. I spent a lot of time doing online jigsaw puzzles (while listening to podcasts, or to just give me time to think), but I have been able to use podcast "downtime" more constructively, and the less thinking I do, perhaps the better .

- Not that tough, and I have some not five feet from my bed. Part of it may be that I had been on overload in the weeks leading up to Lentils.

- My family Vetoed this virtually on Day 1, for them more than even me. I ended up relenting (I'm nothing if not reasonable), and substituting "Using the Socratic Method to Teach." I FIRMLY believe that if you puzzle something out--even with help--you'll learn better, but I have to admit there is probably part of me that just likes lording knowledge over people, so until Lentils is over, I have been trying not to make people guess or work it through. (But I am right that it's better. Lazy people......)

RE-RUNS ON TV - This one is so tough! I haven't sat down to watch any program, butI realized that's not really how I watch re-runs. I tend to do five minutes here or there, or between commercials, and a couple of times I have caught a minute or two, arguing with myself if I have actually "seen" the episode or not. Biggest regret: not making a Simpsons exception.

- Murder. Absolute murder. The other day I took my sister to Arby's, and they had this new Arby's "burger." I cannot tell you how much I wanted to try it. Even more difficult: Chick-Fil-A. I ALWAYS want Chick-Fil-A, but lately my cravings have hit astronomical levels. I tried telling myself that if I go in and sit down it's not fast food, but in my heart I know it would be. This one may kill me yet.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

For the Love of Lentils

So, I don't follow Lent, but I do follow Lentils, which happens roughly at the same time.

(It's not a coincidence. The Church ripped off Lentils to form Lent, the same way various Christmas and Easter traditions were once assimilated.)

In previous years I have given up ice cream, potato chips, beef jerky, Swearing and last year I even gave up mockery.

I KNOW!!!!

This year I decided to "up the ante," as those who say that might say. I am giving up not one, not two, but 7 things for Lentils. Will I keep the faith? Will it kill me? Only time will tell.

Here are my 7 things, so that I may stay accountable.

1. Chips - I should not be eating them, but they are so good! Lately I have been obsessed with baked chips and especially Kettle chips. What makes it even harder is that there happen to be many chips in the house right now- and three bags of them are mine! However, the open bags will be eaten by others (I hope I hope), and my bags will be put away somewhere; they will keep.

2. Sugar Soda - This one will be especially tough, because I love grape soda and Peach Ne-hi and Ginger Ale and Cranberry anything, and I think this means I can't haveslushes. (Will have to consult a Lentils Fryer to be sure.) Even more horrific - THIS MEANS NO GRAITCH. Until Easter. Hmmmm.

3. Fast Food - This one might be dang near impossible, but I'm nothing if not the bravest person who ever lived. What sucks is that we have a newArby's close by, and I have these amazing Burger Kings coupons that are buy one get one free. (BOGOF makes any fast food place taste better.) And Sonic just came out with a new value meal.....ARGH!! I had to get a ruling on Chick-Fil-A. My brother Achmed said it would only be non-fast food if I went to one of their Dwarf Houses (sit-down restaurant) and was served instead of using the counter. BUT THERE ARE NOT ANY DWARF HOUSES NEARBY!

Why do I make these stupid decisions?

4. Beef Jerky - When I gave up beef jerky in a previous year it was slightly disingenuous, since I had none at the time and not much prospect for that changing. (Although: had a truckload of beef jerky shown up, I would have have eaten it.) This time it will be much harder, as I have some of the best beef jerky in the world just a few feet from me! What are the odds I don't crack? Only the power of Lentils can save me!

5. Re-Runs on TV. Lately I have been finding comfort in some old favorites, like The Simpsons, Family Guy, Law & Order, The West Wing, Monk, House, MASH, Seinfeld, Scrubs, and even 30 Minute Meals. I'm a fan of TV, but I should allot my precious viewing habits to new stuff, not old. (One exception. I am going to watch several Easter movies this year and provide a running diary for your amusement.)

6. Computer Games, including (gulp) Jigsaw Puzzles. Giving up the Cheesy Double Beef Burrito at Taco Bell (only 89 cents!) is awful. Giving up my daily jigsaw puzzle might actually kill me. It's not that I'm wasting time; I do the puzzles while I'm listening topodcasts , which are partly research for my own upcoming show, and partly because I enjoy some of them. You can't really write while listening to a podcast, but I will just have to find SOMETHING to do instead.

7. Pain Medicine - This one may actually get superseded, if I ever get into a Pain Management Clinic. (Currently what happens is that I get accepted, and then they cancel me right before my first appointment, thus crushing my hopes and dreams of living a pain free reduced-pain existence.) What I'm talking about is mostly over the counter stuff, like Ibuprofen, which I have been taking every four hours since 1995 or so. Well, it seems that way. I'm not even sure if it's helping, but I would rather have the true picture of what's going on with my body, and attempt to come at it another direction. (Ditto on theVicodin . I cannot figure out why House takes that. It was prescribed to me for the first time in my life a few weeks ago, and it does NOTHING for my ankles. It will help my back a bit, but I would have to take 5 of them to get that effect, and I'm sure there is a downside to that, so no thank you.) (And no, I will not send you the rest of the bottle. My body has always fought medicine like a cornered badger, but from all accounts it will mess up you regular folk.

Those 7 things are my Pledge for Lentils. Why don't you join me? I don't expect you to give up 7 things, but Lentils can be a very positive experience. Leave a comment with what you are giving up, or send me an email, and I will help keep you encouraged!


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Come now, Darkest Angel

Come now, Darkest Angel;
Return through the smoke, and the haze, on
Wings tipped crimson, now carmine, in the fading light.
Come now, Darkest Angel;
Return their slings, and arrows dipped in embers with
Moulten Fury from Eyes of Ice, and Breath of Obsidian Fire.

Yours is the magic of Kings, and Queens, and
Lions of the Desert, who never forgot where they came from, and
Never forgot they were Lions.
Yours is the magic of Avalon, and Mag Mell, and
Moura Encantada, who guarded the Secret, and the Treasure, and
Never broke the Spell.

Come now, Darkest Angel;
Yours is the magic of the Void--
Return to us cloaked in Glory, and Honor, and
Never again leave your Home.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Third Sign of the Apocalypse: Ice Cream

It's been years since I bought ice cream. When I did, I always liked to mix it up. I love the classics, but then the second one would be a risk, something new to try. Sometimes I'd get lucky, and discover something like Moose Tracks, while other times the ice cream was so dull (or salty, or sharp, or just off) that it would sit in the freezer until six months later, when super hot water in the sink washed the remaining two thirds of the carton down the drain.

The other night, for the first time in nearly a decade, I was once again in a position to buy some ice cream. I was excited but nervous; I no longer had any idea what I was doing. Usually there is one good brand on sale, if you are patient, and I was going to go pure classic--like Rocky Road--to avoid disappointment. But what's the fun in that?

I found some sort of new chocolate concoction (Edy's), until I noticed it was Lite. C'mon, people. If you're going to get ice cream, you have to go for full flavor. If you're that worried about fat, DON'T EAT ICE CREAM. I would much rather have half as often, as long as the ice cream I did have was actually good.

I actually had the Edy's in the brown paper bag (which is either to help keep the ice cream cold, or help you fit in with winos), when I came toBreyers. My recollection--and this may be hazy--is that Breyers was as good as you can get, and far fewer preservatives. In particular, Breyers Strawberry and Breyers Cookies and Cream are simply sublime.

That's when I saw it. Breyers CHOCOLATE Cookies and Cream. Could one of the greatest flavors of all time just gotten even better?

I was so enamored with the idea of adding chocolate to one of my favorite flavors, that I failed to notice the problem. It wasn't Lite. Oh, no.



Kill me. Just kill me now.

Sadly, I did not notice this until just a few minutes ago, when I finally opened the ice cream. However, what are you going to do? Might as well give it a shot, right?

To you Cookies and Cream lovers, you know how some Cookies and Cream ice creams (like Breyers) are perfection itself, while others look like someone simply jammed generic hydrox cookies into vanilla? True cookies and cream is a bit grey, and has all those flecks.

My Breyers may have been fat free, but it was still Breyers Cookies and Cream, right?

In a word: no.

Big moist chunks of cookie? Nope. Little flecks spread all throughout? Nope. I don't know how to describe what the texture is actually like, but let's just say that I would rather try "Yeast Infection" flavor next time than this piece of garbage again.

Greater Love Hath No Man Than This

Two nights before Valentine's Day my dad took my mom out for a quick bite to eat and a movie. No big deal, right? A little pre-holiday treat. Many men have done the same.

And what movie did my my father, a conservative pastor, who's been married longer than I've been alive ('cause that's how they rolled back in the day: Old School), and who likes John Wayne films and political thrillers and any movie with Gene Hackman or Robert Duvall....what movie did my mother choose to see?


I am not kidding; when I found out this news I gave him a hug that lasted over a minute. I was so shocked (and felt so much concern for his well being), that at the time I neglected to think of the next obvious question: why on earth would my mother want to see that?

She likes chick-flicks, but for her it's Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock or (lately) Katherine Heigl. True, she does like Jennifer Aniston, but could this movie have been any less designed for her?

Well, yes. It was less designed for him.

Monday, February 09, 2009

New Food at Pizza Hut and Domino's

Recently I had the chance to check out new products from Pizza Hut and Domino's. I thought I would give little mini-reviews

Pizza Hut - Tuscani Oven-Baked Pasta

Everyone has seen the commercials. Fancy hip New Yorkers in some swanky restaurant for an exclusive "tasting" party, only to discover that--Surprise!--the pasta came from Pizza Hut. It's a great commercial because we get to laugh at New Yorkers, and it makes the pasta seem special and therefore desirable.

(Although: PH has now had three separate launches of pasta varieties. At some point you'd think people in Manhattan would quit being taken in by the same gimmick we all saw on TV! It's getting so bad that any day now a posse of Minnesotans are going to show up to bilk the New Yorkers out of all their cash.)

When Pizza Hut first introduced their new pasta, they had two choices: Creamy Chicken Alfredo, and Meaty Mariana. Later they brought out Premium Bacon Mac 'N Cheese, and just recently you could get Lasagna.

My first foray was the Alfredo, which I tried on January 20th, which happened to be the Inauguration. (Read the possibly racist comment the driver said, and what I think about it .)

My first thought was that it didn't appear to be nearly as much food as on TV. They claim 3 pounds, but the silver tray wasn't full, that is for sure. That said, it was delicious. the sauce was tangy, thick, and just a tiny bit sour, which I like in an Alfredo, to cut the richness. The pasta didn't feel overcooked, and I like PH chicken topping, which this was. Dipping breadsticks was even better, as they soaked up the creamy sauce and tasted even better than normal. And bear in mind, I had my pasta AFTER wolfing down half a Stuffed Crust pizza; extra points in my book.

The second time was a few days ago, when we got Lasagna. Now, like all people with a soul, I love lasagna. It's one of nature's perfect foods. I love a lot of different lasagnas, too. It's not like meatloaf, where you love your mom's but out in the world you can't predict when a meatloaf will be passable, and when you will light yourself on fire.

One of the best parts about lasagna is that it tastes just as good (and sometimes better) when you reheat it. This was my situation. I was asleep when the rest of the crowd ate, so I had to nuke my portion.

It was not a good experience. Again, the "look" of the product bothered me. I'm not questioning the three pounds advertised (I didn't weigh it, but I have no reason to believe they are making that up), but the lasagna did not even come up halfway on the aluminum tray. When you get lasagna at the store, it comes up all the way to the top.

More importantly, the taste was rubbery. The sauce was decent (how could it not be?), but the middle layer of lasagna pasta was stretchy and the ricotta tasted dehydrated. Also, there were very few layers. Maybe that's a personal thing, but I like my lasagna nice and thick.

It's only fair to point out that I talked to Carlos, who tried the lasagna as well, and he loved it. This could mean that it simply doesn't reheat well, or possibly that I just got a bad batch. (Jerrica was totally unimpressed as well, but maybe she's spoiled like I am.)

But here is the kicker: unlike the other pastas, which we got for $10.99, the Lasagna is $15. That's a lot of money, and when you consider that Stouffer's makes a GIANT version for around $10-12 that is AWESOME and very filling, I can't see very paying for this. True, you have to buy the Stouffer's yourself, and it takes two hours to cook. Still: you want lasagna, you make some sacrifices.

DOMINO'S - Oven-Baked Sandwiches

Any time we ever order delivery it's always Pizza Hut or Papa John's. Maybe things have changed, but my memory of Domino's pizza is such that I was in no hurry to see if they figured out how to cook anything.

Once again, enter Carlos. The Wolf-cat used to work with me at Pizza Hut, and currently runs a Papa John's. He knows pizza, and he eats it all the time. But Carlos started raving about the Domino's oven-baked sandwiches a month ago, and he has not shut up about it since.

Every time I would talk to him Carlos would ask if I had tried the oven-baked sandwiches, and sometimes he'd call with a new coupon deal he'd found that I could use. (Domino's has a deal for two oven baked sandwiches and a large one-topping pizza for $20. They also have a deal for one sandwich and a small pizza for $9, so Carlos figured he would order two of those and save $2. This led to a conversation about comparing diameter to area in circles, which is fascinating in its own right, but off-topic, so remind me and we can go over it another time.)

"It's the bread," Carlos raved. It's so good. It's better than Arby's or Subway."

Them's serious words. Carlos knows how I feel about sandwiches, and Arby's and Subway have been producing some great ones. It was his passion that finally convinced me. My sister ordered two different sandwiches for me to try (there are four total.)

Actually, I'd like to point out that in all of these tasting adventures, Jerrica paid. She is an incredibly generous person, and deserves a big shout-out.

Also-not for nothing--but the non-sandwich portion was messed up, including Jerrica's food. I have emailed Domino's, and am giving them one more day to contact her, else I'll be back here soon raising hell (and I saved my letter to them, for your enjoyment).

Domino's offers a Chicken Bacon Ranch, a Chicken Parm, a Philly Cheese-steak, and an Italian. (For what it's worth, Carlos says the Chicken Bacon Ranch is a dud.) I went with the Chicken Parm and the Philly--minus the awful onions, peppers and mushroom, and plus black olives. (I'd have added green olives too if they'd had any. It totally baffles me why anyone would want vomit-inducing onions, evil mushrooms and slimy peppers on a cheesesteak when you can have two kinds of olives! Some people....)


Dude, it was the bread. I guess having that giant pizza oven really helps. If they are using a similar formula, maybe I need to try the pizza again, because these sandwiches were so good! The bread was soft and thick and yet not overpowering at all. There was a yeasty sweetness I could not get over. [JOKE REMOVED BY CENSOR BOARD]

The ingredients were good, too. My dad had half the Parm, and he was a big fan, and my mom had a third of the Philly, and was a convert. I would much rather have two of these sandwiches than a medium pizza any day.

Of course, what if Domino's refuses to make their transgressions right? Who wins then, my principles, or my raging hunger-lust? Tune in next time on "As the Food Burns."

(And if you have a food product you want me to review, send me the money and I will eat this food and write about it. What, you think I'm just made of money?)

Racist or Not? (You make the Call)

On January 20th, Inauguration, we ordered from Pizza Hut for lunch. The food arrived around 2:00, a couple of hours after President Obama had been sworn in.

It also happened to be bitterly cold here in Georgia, and my sister mentioned this at the open door as she was checking the order and paying the driver.

The driver said, "Well, they have come out and said why we are having this weather here."

(I was sitting a few feet away, only half paying attention, but I remember it seemed a bit out of the ordinary for a pizza delivery man to go into meteorology.)

The driver continued, "The reason we're having this freezing weather is because they always said it would be a cold day in Hell before we had a black president."

I was so stunned I just sat there, and in another 10 seconds the transaction was over, door shut. Then I started to get upset.

Why had he said that? I asked my sister if that was racist, and she thought he was just trying to make a joke, to get better tips. (In fairness, she might have been worried I would launch out and hobble down the steps and chase the guy. She is terrified I will make a scene.)

I didn't see the man, Jerrica said he was white, and that's what you would think she was if you looked at her. I couldn't get over what he said. He didn't exactly criticize Obama, or make any overt generalization. In a manner of speaking he was criticizing a country (or at least the South), which had always been presumed to be too racist to consider someone like Obama.

Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that his comment was racist, or at least prejudiced. I feel very strongly that if Jerrica were to look African-American that driver would have kept his thoughts to himself, and it seems to me that if you wouldn't tell a black family, it's probably racist.

Then again, I sometimes get accused of finding white sheets in every closet. (Well, there are white sheets in most closets, but you know what I mean. Looking for racism where it might not really be.) I didn't want to just judge someone on a snap impression; that's what prejudice is in the first place!

But I have never gotten over it. Perhaps it comes from the fact that since I got to Georgia, occasionally I have run into situations where it a group of people happened to not include any African-Americans, and a few times (more than a couple, but not a ton; I don't want to overstate the case) someone has felt free to tell a racist joke or make some comment.

This pisses me off to no end. How dare they assume I am going to be cool with that? I have gotten into more than one scrape over the matter.

So maybe my past experience has colored me. (no pun intended.) Maybe I'm tilting at windmills. Maybe the guy was just making a comment--something he'd heard--in an attempt to be funny and get a good tip. Maybe it's not worth getting upset.

But I'm not convinced.

What do you think?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Oscar Nominations

The Oscar Nominations came out yesterday, and I have been pretty surly/angry ever since. Why do I care? I don't know.

And, to be fair, I have not seen any of the five Best Picture nominated movies yet. I cannot judge until I do.

That said, I have seen many movies in my day--as I review them--and I know a great movie when I see it. I have a hard time believing all 5 nominated films are better than THE DARK KNIGHT.

But, I will watch them before I go ballistic. And if I'm wrong, I will say so publicly.

But if I'm right.......

Oh What a Feeling!


last night I had to pee really badly, and I generally wait as long as possible because the walking being so difficult, but this is bad because each step is a jolt of pain, which, when you have to pee badly, makes it more difficult to hold it in.


Trying to maximize my "walking time," I decided to warm up some soup and fill my water bottles at the same time I peed. Unfortunately, I decided to fill up two gallon-sized bottles BEFORE peeing, which really was a bad decision.

I tell you the truth: it was the closest I have EVER come to not making it.

Anyway, when I finally was able to....unload = HEAVEN.

And it got me to thinking: when you have to pee REALLY BADLY, and you finally get to....that's a pretty great feeling, you now? I'm not saying it's going to replace procreation or anything, but it's a pretty fantastic sensation.

So, I was talking to a girl after this, and happened to mention the peeing theory, and she was in agreement, but not as enthusiastic as I. Finally, I figured out the problem. "Okay," I said, "Imagine you have to pee worse than anything. Now, imagine you pee through your clitoris."

"Ahhhhhh," she said. "Now I understand."

[Anyone who has never spoken to me is now thinking I am a total pervert. Anyone who has spoken to me is not even remotely surprised. "That's just Hyperion." they say. Bastards. Why do they always have to talk about me?]

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Talk to Me (The Nuts and Bolts)

So, last week, I wrote about my Birthday Goals, which my mom asks people for every time they have a birthday. One of these goals was to keep in closer contact with people. It always amazes me how long I can go between talking to people. Some of this is laziness, some of it is my particular emotional state (sometimes I don't want to talk to people), and some of it is just the way my brain works. I might think, "I just talked to X..." The reality is I might not have talked to X since June.

(I do this with everything. I'll say, "The other day,....." and totally mean the other day, even though the day I'm talking about is in 2006. This is how my brain works. And don't even get me started on what "down the street" means to me.)

Anyway, one thing you surely have noticed is that I have some of the greatest ideas in the history of the world. However, my brain is not "anchored" to the current reality we choose to accept, and it is quite common for me to completely forget things that I care deeply about.

I totally need a secretary or an assistant, or at least an intern. I am completely convinced that if I had a scheduler who told me what I needed to do right that minute, I could accomplish anything.

However, since I don't have one at the moment, I need to improvise.

As far as the Keeping in Contact thing goes, I realized that, as hokey as it sounds, it wasn't going to happen unless it was written down.

I went through my entire Address Book, and put each name into a category, based on how often I thought I should (or should want to) talk/email that person. Here are the categories:






Plus, write everyone not on this list (in my email contacts) at least once this year.

The once a week tier started at 14 people, but I expect that number to initially go up quite a bit, and then go down. I think it will go up because some of the people I contact in the various tiers will write me back and there will be some back-and-forth that almost by default will put them in that category. However, only time will tell if a weekly communication level can be sustained.

The other three categories have around 18-24 people in each. Again, I see the tiers as somewhat fluid, and I assume people will move up or down depending on if they write back and if they are interesting.

Then there are people that I am ashamed I don't talk to. How can I have fallen out of regular conversation with them? I plan to contact them by any means necessary and at least try to get them on the list.

That leaves everyone else. Some I barely know. Many I don't even know their names; I just have an email. (They used to get my column, and now get the email notification.) These people should get at least 1 email from me this year.

The idea is to pull up this document each time I use the computer, and have it sitting open. This makes me more likely to use it, and when, in the course of email and whatever, I happen to talk to someone, I write down the date next to their name. This way I have a record of how often I'm talking to people.

It sounds like I'm taking all the life out of communication, but it really seems to be the only way I will remember. For example, my friend Bear is on the weekly list. Bear is one of my two closest friends, and because of that, I always assume I talk to him every couple of days. However, sometimes it's several months!

(I am not making this up. I have a real block about this kind of thing. I simply cannot hold that kind of information in my head. I can remember millions of things other people can't, but I can't do the "normal" things.)

I'm hoping the list--right there in black and white--will compel me to keep up with my goal of communication. The likelihood is that by February I won't be noting the dates I write or talk to people, and by March I will have abandoned it altogether. But I'm trying!

One of my problems is that when someone writes me an interesting letter, I don't want to just write back something quick. I want to take my time and write back something meaningful, something thoughtful. However, once it slips away from immediacy I forget and then it's been 10 days and I'm embarrassed which makes it even harder to write...and it becomes a big thing. The list is to help me avoid that. I hope.

(A solution to this is to block out fifteen minutes a night solely for communication. That's not much, and it would keep the task from getting too big, which often makes things un-faceable. If I can just get in the habit of fifteen minutes of correspondence a night, I could keep on top of it easily. Of course, i would have to sacrifice those 8,000 word letters I am sometimes famous for, but you have to make sacrifices somewhere.)

One other snag is that Kaida has complained several times that she should be in her own tier. If I understand her, her tier would be not just daily conversations, but continual conversation. Then, when I'm not talking to her, I'm either thinking about the last time I talked to her, or I'm anticipating the next time I talk to her, or else I'm penning an epic sonnet in her honor.

(I probably shouldn't have written that last paragraph. Besides further angering her, Bear will probably want to be in that tier now, too.)

Not very many people bother to read my blog, so if you have come here, the odds are that you're in a high tier, or you should be. Write me an email and you're certain to get one back. And you can ask me about what tier you're in, and then hold me to it.

That's really the whole point of writing all this down and posting it. If people know about it, maybe I'll be more accountable.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

What are your Goals?

I've never been real big on New Year's Resolutions. I don't have anything against them necessarily, and I'm even good at making and keeping resolutions, sometimes. (When I was 12 my mom challenged my brother and me to go one month without processed sugar. I went three, just to prove I could.)

But it's just too much of a thing, and I don't do it.

However, every birthday, my mom asks the birthday people what their goals are for the next year of their lives. (You don't have to even be family; if my mom is near you during your birthday, you're going to get asked.) This year I was all prepared, and wrote up a bunch of goals in anticipation of the question. And, for the first time that I can remember, she didn't ask!

Anyway, since I have them all written up and all, I figured I'd post them here. I'm sure I won't get these all accomplished, or even any of them, but at least they're in writing in a public place.

Since my birthday always comes on December 31, it seems like they are de facto resolutions, but to me there is a difference. Resolutions are often about not doing something (smoking, drinking, whoring, etc.), or at least improving something you don't like about yourself. (Get in shape, eat right.) The Birthday goals, on the other hand, are more positive: things I want to get done this year.

So here they are.

Hyperion's Goals for the 34th Year of his Life


Set up Podcasting by February
- I've had the capability for awhile, but something keeps messing up the deal. I would really like this to become a major part of my website.

Register Screenplay before April
- I went to all the trouble of writing a movie screenplay. Why can I not register it with the Writers' Guild and the Library of Congress? I don't know. I am going to try harder.

Get another two screenplays written
- This is a longer shot, but I have developed several ideas, worked them out and storyboarded them. Time to go from the note cards to the page.

Get a novel set up and storyboarded and at least started - I have had my novel set up for far longer than the screenplays. I would like to start putting it into motion.

Send novel already written to a publisher - I already went to the trouble of writing a whole novel. May not be my dream project, like above, but it's done. Why not send it off and see ifanyone's interested? Or a the very least publish it as a podiobook. That might be cool.

Sell at least one short story - I have dozens of short stories written and dozens more in development. It'd be nice to actually get paid for one before I die.

Figure out how to get revenue streams on my site - Maybe it's ads, maybe it's something else, but I work too hard on the Institute not to get something for it.


Revitalize Monkey Barn
- Nobody is happy with the state of Monkey Barn today. I know the answer lies with me. I have to get excited about it again and move it in the direction I want, even if that means completely changing everything. I had an idea last year I'd still like to do, and an even better one for this year, but it's all nothing when all I do is talk.

Empire of the Mind - If I don't get that up and running soon I am going to give up Beef Jerky for a year.

Five Kingdoms - It's a long shot that I can get that community re-started, but I ought to at least set up my vision for it, so the framework is in place.

T.R.A.M.P. - I talked to Schrodinger's Kitten about this the other day. Once the Oscar nominations come out I want to move on this. I think the readers are going to love it.

Keep in closer personal contact with wider group of people
- I don't like that I can so many months or even years without significant contact with people I know. I can't be close friends with everyone. Most people don't want to be close friends with me, or they'd be calling more often. But I can at least stay in contact via email more often, and phone calls for some. I should actually make a schedule. That sounds ridiculous, but it's probably the only way it will happen.


Walk somewhere without a cane
- A pipe dream, and one that I don't have too much control over, but still a goal of mine. Might as well add go a day without pain to this one.

Send Wheelchair back to clinic - This one I think I can do. I don't like that damn thing staring at me. Just waiting.

Get name change completely legal in all 50 states - The name thing hangs over my head like an albatross. Recently I have had to deal with the government on some issues, and they insist on using my former name. It drives me crazy, and I have come close to unhinged several times. I finally have the money to get everything legal (or at least, I should soon), but there still might be hurdles. Kaida told me last night it could take two years. I cannot fathom that. It's not a "bell tower and rifle" kind of moment, but only because I cannot climb stairs. I think if I knew it would take two years to get everything legal I would walk away from all names and go become a nameless preacher on some mesa.

Archon project - For three years this has been the major plan for 2009. Now the year is here and very few plans have been solidified. I need to decide if I am going to move forward, and one way or another make a decision.

And as always - Take over the world

It should be noted that normally when asked, people only come up with two or three goals. So, if you decide to do this in your own family, don't expect this much. I only did because I was preparing ahead of time, and really thought about it. For all our grumbling, though, it is kind of neat. Think about incorporating it into the next birthday party you attend. And if you have a birthday, write and let me know what your goals are. I would love to read them.