Friday, March 28, 2008




Sunday, March 23, 2008

The Bunny Game

I don't know what I was doing over on the Institute the last five days, but this is the result:

List of Rabbits in Hyperion's 2008 Spooner Craze:

BUNK DRUNNY (Drunk Bunny)

BARY SCUNNY (Scary Bunny)

BREEKY FUNNY (Freaky Bunny)

BIRTY FLUNNY (Flirty Bunny)

BESSY DRUNNY (Dressy Bunny)

BOSHING MUNNY (Moshing Bunny)

BED RUNNY (Red Bunny)

BLEEPY SUNNY (Sleepy Bunny)

BEEDY SPUNNY (Speedy Bunny)

BUCK DUNNY (Duck Bunny)

BEW STUNNY (Stew Bunny)

BAGIC MUNNY (Magic Bunny)

BATE LUNNY (Late Bunny)

BISSED PUNNY (Pissed Bunny)

BORSCHACH RUNNY (Rorschach Bunny)

BODELING YUNNY (Yodeling Bunny)

BEERLESS FUNNY (Fearless Bunny)

BILVER SUNNY (Silver Bunny)

BOUNTING CUNNY (Counting Bunny)

BUNGRY HUNNY (Hungry Bunny)

DALVIDORE BALI SUNNY (Salvidore Dali Bunny)

BIGER TUNNY (Tiger Bunny)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


I still have not managed to get the epic column done about my trip to see all five Best Picture nominated movies this year, but I did want to tell you that I went up early and played Trivia. I played with Carlos and my brother, Achmed. I thought you might like to have a go at the Trivia Questions. Feel free to ask your office mates the questions and make a go of it; forming into teams, etc. After all, it has to be better than work, right?

The way it works is that each question was worth a certain number of points. We had one song to figure out each answer. At the end we wagered on a Bonus Question. Okay, here they are.

1. (Sports, worth 10 points, 5 points for each correct answer) - Who were the first two finishers in the Daytona 500?

2. (History, worth 10 points, 5 points for each correct answer) - Who were the two shortest-serving presidents?

3. (Automotive, 8 points) - What is the best-selling car in the U.S.?

4. (Internet, 9 points) - Multiple Choice: what is the largest cause of online fraud: Nigerian e-mails, Lotteries, Auction, Adult Services

5. (Miscellaneous, 8 points) - The Pyramid of Giza and the Colossus of Rhodes are examples of what?

6. (Money, 8) - What is the #1 expenditure of the U.S. government?

7. (Words, 9) - What does the acronym SCUBA stand for?

8. (People, 9) - What was Citizen Kane's first name?

9. (History, 8) Who was the first person killed in the Boston Massacre?

10. (Science, 8) - What is the Chemical composition of Salt?

Commentary: at this point we were in 2nd place, one point behind the leaders, having only missed one question. We felt pretty good about ourselves. I have the answers here in InvisiText, in case you are playing and don't want them revealed.

Ryan Newman and Kurt Busch; William Henry Harrison and James Garfield; Toyota Camry; Auctions; part of the 7 Wonders of the Ancient World; Social Security; Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus; Charles Foster Kane; Crispus Attics; NaCl (Sodium and Chloride)

Here are the second half:

11. (Movies, 7) - Felicity Shagwell was a character in what movie?

12. (People, 8) - Who was known as the "Long Island Lolita"?

13. (Words, 7) - What is the more common name for Patella?

14. (Sports, 9) Name the 1996 Olympics Mascot.

15. (Literature, 8) - Multiple Choice. The Great Gatsby lived: East Egg, West Egg, North Egg, South Egg

16. (Books, 9) - The following characters -- Rayford Steele, Bruce Barnes, Nicolae Carpathia, Cameron Buck Williams -- are part of what book series?

17. (TV, 8) - The following TV shows -- Will & Grace, Mad About You, Spin City, Night Court -- have what in common?

18. (Music, 9) - The 1985 song "We Are the World" was co-written by Michael Jackson and who?

19. (Miscellaneous, 10) - The Bessamer Process produces what?

20. (Sports, 8) - What team has won the most Super Bowls?

Commentary: This half we didn't do so well. I KNEW the Gatsby one until Multiple Choice screwed up our thinking. What sucks is that if we had answered that one correct, with how it all turned out, we would have won. Here are the answers:

Austin Powers The Spy Who Shagged Me; Amy Fisher; Kneecap; Izzy or Whatzit?; West Egg; part of the Left Behind Series; all set in New York City; Lionel Ritchie; Steel; Dallas Cowboys

Bonus: History. The deal is you can "wager" your point, Jeopardy style. The only catch is that you HAVE to wager at least one point. We were in second place, and wagered enough to cover third place, assuming both third and we got it right, and they bet all the points they had.

Question: Put the following events from 2005 in chronological order, from first to last:
Israel withdraws from Gaza
Iraq holds their first free Election
The identity of Deep Throat is revealed
Pope John Paul II dies
Martha Stewart is released from prison

Pretty freaking tough, huh? Even if you know one or two of the events, where do you place the others? The best way to try to remember is to to remember something that might have been happening in your life when you heard about X. We had two songs on this one, but still had no clue. Carlos was upset we didn't wager 1 point, but I hate doing that. If it turns out you can answer the question, you feel helpless as others pass you by, negating all your hard work. As it turns out, no one got it right, and as I mentioned earlier, had we gotten one more questions right in the regular round, the math would have worked out that we would have won. As it is, we came in second, which was worth a thirty dollar gift certificate to the restaurant. Not bad. Here is the correct order:

1/30 - Iraq holds first free election
3/4 - Martha Stewart Released from Prison
4/2 - John Paul II dies
5/31 - Deep Throat Revealed (who was going to remember this exact date!?!)
8/14 - Israel begins its withdrawal from Gaza

Have fun playing. If you play with friends, leave your scores in the comments, and don't forget to answer that question up top!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

More Things I HATE......

You know how you're watching TV, and it comes to a commercial, so you flip it over to another show or a game or something, and then that show goes to commercial, and you're really not paying attention, and then it finally comes back from commercial and you realize that you've been watching the commercials on a show you're not watching, and you freak out and flip it back to your show, and you've missed who knows how many minutes, since your show could have started right as those commercials on the channel did, and you feel lost for a few minutes, and pissed off at your own stupidity?

I HATE that!

Also, is there a word for that?

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Henry Lawson

think you're having a bad day, there, Barney? You got nothing on this guy:

Knocked Up
by Henry Lawson

I'm lyin' on the barren ground that's baked and cracked with drought,
And dunno if my legs or back or heart is most wore out;
I've got no spirits left to rise and smooth me achin' brow --
I'm too knocked up to light a fire and bile the billy now.

Oh it's trampin', trampin', tra-a-mpin', in flies an' dust an' heat,
Or it's trampin' trampin' tra-a-a-mpin'
through mud and slush 'n sleet;
It's tramp an' tramp for tucker -- one everlastin' strife,
An' wearin' out yer boots an' heart in the wastin' of yer life.

They whine o' lost an' wasted lives in idleness and crime --
I've wasted mine for twenty years, and grafted all the time
And never drunk the stuff I earned, nor gambled when I shore --
But somehow when yer on the track yer life seems wasted more.

A long dry stretch of thirty miles I've tramped this broilin' day,
All for the off-chance of a job a hundred miles away;
There's twenty hungry beggars wild for any job this year,
An' fifty might be at the shed while I am lyin' here.

The sinews in my legs seem drawn, red-hot -- 'n that's the truth;
I seem to weigh a ton, and ache like one tremendous tooth;
I'm stung between my shoulder-blades -- my blessed back seems broke;
I'm too knocked out to eat a bite -- I'm too knocked up to smoke.

The blessed rain is comin' too -- there's oceans in the sky,
An' I suppose I must get up and rig the blessed fly;
The heat is bad, the water's bad, the flies a crimson curse,
The grub is bad, mosquitoes damned -- but rheumatism's worse.

I wonder why poor blokes like me will stick so fast ter breath,
Though Shakespeare says it is the fear of somethin' after death;
But though Eternity be cursed with God's almighty curse --
What ever that same somethin' is I swear it can't be worse.

For it's trampin', trampin', tra-a-mpin' thro' hell across the plain,
And it's trampin' trampin' tra-a-mpin' thro' slush 'n mud 'n rain --
A livin' worse than any dog -- without a home 'n wife,
A-wearin' out yer heart 'n soul in the wastin' of yer life.

Now THAT'S A poem, baby!

Monday, March 03, 2008

Four Cats walk into a talent agent's office......

The other day I'm in line at Blockbuster, when this really old women comes to stand behind me. The clerk is taking forever so we're making conversation. "What movie do you have?" I say.

"Oh, it's The Aristocats," she replies. "I don't watch very many movies, but I remember seeing this back at a drive-in in 1981 and just loving it. When I saw they had a Special Edition out I thought I would get it for my Granddaughter."

I glanced down at the DVD in her hand, and noticed it was not THE ARISTOCATS, but rather, THE ARISTOCRATS.

"Um, ma'am, you have the wrong movie." I helpfully explained. I walked over to the display and pulled out the right one, bringing it back to her. "This is the one you want." She looked at both disks and then at me, dubiously, as if I might be one of those no-goodnik kids who was trying to scam her.

"But this one is $30," she said, pointing to the overpriced Disney special edition in my hand, "and this one is only $9.99." She held up THE ARISTOCRATS, which was, as she claimed, only ten bucks.

For a few moments I contemplated giving in; allowing the woman to purchase the admittedly far cheaper THE ARISTOCRATS and take it home and give it to her granddaughter. The voices in my head laughed a little manically as I envisioned the little girl needing years of therapy while the grandmother was forced to commit ritualized seppuku with four tubes of Polident.

However, my less-dark angels intervened, and I patiently explained to the woman that, yes, the one disk was twenty dollars cheaper, but this did not turn out to be the savvy shopping coup she was hoping for, as, it turned out, THE ARISTOCRATS and THE ARISTOCATS are in fact two completely different movies.

You could almost see the women's forehead bulge as she tried to take in the information, offended than anyone would name two totally different movies almost the same thing. Finally, she asked lamely--and I could not make this up--"Is there any chance my granddaughter would like this movie?"

I gently but firmly took the world's filthiest 90 minutes from her hands and said, "You're going to have to trust me here, ma'am. Render unto Disney what is Disney's, and call it a day."