UltraViolent Catastrophe is 3 - 0 - can Apocalypse be far behind?

I said last week I'd never been 2 - 0 before, so 3 - 0 is also a precedent.  Even the year I was a friggin Juggernaut I lost my second game on a fluke.  The first two weeks I got a tad lucky to win, this time I earned it, with 137 points, the highest score in the League for the week.  I trounced Bobby Bowden's Bastion of Bastardry but somethin' fierce.

Again, if I would have played Michael Vick I would have scored more than Tom Brady. I just can't seen benching Brady this week, but I may pull the trigger. (In week 5 I have no choice, as Brady is on bye.)

There are four Teams in my Division, and the way it works is we play each team in our division, then everyone else, then each team in our Division again.  Here's the Standings so far:

As you can see, there are only two undeafeated teams, Koz's and myself.  he texted me about it Tuesday.  Here is a portion, verbatim:

Me: We don't play each other until Week 11, so not much chance we'll be undefeated, but maybe we'll be the league's best

Koz: Hopefully. Although my team has been on a steady decline while your team has been on the rise.

Me: yeah, but i'm going into the Valley of the Shadow of ByeWeeks, so I'll come back down to Earth

Koz: Fear no evil for Vick art with thee

Cracks me up every time I read it.

This week I play the Gauchos, who are the worst team so far, but usually get up for me. I won't have Adrian Peterson (and a few others, on bye), so we'll see....

We're 2-0, baby!

For the first time ever for me, I started the Season 2-0, beating my arch rivals Fine Upstanding Gentlemen (The "Fuggies") over the weekend.  Here are the stats:

I don't have my back-ups on here, but it's worth noting that my back up QB (Michael Vick) would have outscored Brady by a lot.  What's weird about that is that I had this omen Sunday morning I should start Vick, even though it would have been crazy to do that.  Oh well: a win's a win.  Next weekend I take on "Bobby Bowden's Bastion of Bastardry."

UltraViolent Catastrophe Wins in Week 1

So, guess who won their Week 1 match up? (Don't look at the title!) That's right. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!1!!!!


The UltraViolent Catastrophe took on The Memesters Union in a tough divisional clash.  Hard fought were out warriors, but ultimately was Hyperion's squad of heroes victorious.

While I won my game all was not beer and skittles in Hyperion land.  For one thing, my two starting Wide Receivers let me down  And my vaunted Running Backs did not do much, either.  I also was rather fortuitous in who I played.  If you ran my team against the other 11 teams in the league simultaneously I would have only gone 6-5.  But, it's a win, and a win I will take.  Next weekend I take on Fine Upstanding Gentlemen (known colloquially in the league as the Fuggies), owned by my most hated rival.  Will I start the season 2-0?  Only time will tell.

My 2010 Fantasy Football Team

I'm not sure why you'd care, but in case you do, here is my Fantasy Football team information


My team is called UltraViolent Catastrophe.  (So far only one person has come close to figuring out why, but 8.9 Hypey points if you know.)

In my league you start 13 people, which I have listed below, along with my 8 Reserves.  If you like me, root for those guys to gain yards, tackles, and most of all touch downs.  If you hate me, feel free to root against them.



QuarterBack
Tom Brady                  NWE


Running Back  
Joseph Addai                IND
Adrian Peterson       MIN


Wide Receiver
Dwayne Bowe              KAN      
Michael Crabtree        SFO


Tight End
Dallas Clark             IND


Kicker
Rob Bironas            TEN


Defensive Lineman
Robert Mathis           IND
Ndamukong Suh  DET


Linebacker
Karlos Dansby         MIA
DeMarcus Ware   DAL


Defensive Back
Oshiomogho Atogwe STL
Eric Berry                         KAN



Reserves
(they don't get points unless I put one of them into the starting lineup before that game starts)  
Darren Sproles RB SDG
Ahmad Bradshaw RB NYG  
T.J. Houshmandzadeh   WR BAL
Pierre Garcon WR IND
Austin Collie WR IND
Stephen Tulloch   LB TEN  
Tracy Porter   DB NOR
Earl Thomas DB SEA  

Apprehension/Confidence heading into MNF

I realized that my opponent has one player left (QB Eli Manning) playing tonight, while I have none. On the other hand, I have a 32.5 point lead.

Obviously the Quarterback is the greatest potential scorer, and obviously 32.5 is a large amount for any one player to score.

I got curious as to what my level of Apprehension/Confidence should be. So, I made a little chart:


1 point behind to 7 point ahead - You have basically resigned yourself to losing, but somewhere in the back of your head you concoct "3 interception 2 fumble" scenarios where you might somehow win.

Ahead by 8 - 15 - You're very pessimistic about victory, but you feel a tinge of crazy hope. You obsess over the quarterback's scoring average, and pray for rain.

16 - 22 - Your gut still hurts a bit, but you feel cautiously optimistic. You still appease the football gods by employing as many reverse jinxes as possible, such as graciously conceding defeat on the message board.

23 - 32 - You feel good, but not great. You figure out exactly how those points translate (yardage and TDs), and you hope for hand-offs. You watch the game, still not able to relax until five minutes left in the fourth quarter.

33 - 41 - You're confident. One interception should do it. A quarter and a half without much scoring should do the trick as well. Somewhere in the back of your mind is that crazy thought of "what if?" but you mostly let it go. Actually, it would confirm your suspicions that the Universe is out to get you, so it's win-win.

42 - 53 - You're over-confident, cocky even. You moon the gods, and mercilessly talk trash on the Message Board. You might not even watch the game since your victory is "so in the bag."

>53 - You attempt to sleep with your opponent's wife/mother/sister/daughter

>75 - You attempt to sleep with your opponent's QUARTERBACK'S wife/mother/sister/daughter.


These statistics only apply to your opponent having 1 QB left to play in the Monday night game, although I'm sure we could produce a matrix to encompass all possibilities.

Uncle Miltie and the Feral Dogs

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places."
~Milton Berle

I have to confess I hadn't quite gotten into the spirit of Fantasy Football this year. It's not a hangover from my '07 end of the Season Debacle; it's merely that I've been concentrating on other things, and preoccupied. However, last night something happened to get me into the swing of things.

As luck would have it, for the first time since the draft started Monday, 11 (of the 12) of us are all online at once. Sadly, the 12th guy was the one whose turn it was, so we're all kind of sitting there twiddling our thumbs.

One guy--I'll call him "Chevy,"--quips that it sure seems slow this year. (When I say quips, I mean writes on the Live Draft Message Board. You have to imagine a fast-moving space where 12 guys regularly trash each other. In fact, let that be your warning for the rest of what I'm about to reveal.)

Anyway, I shoot back at Chevrolet that maybe it's not the Draft that's slow, but him. Why do I do this? It's the Message Board, baby. (Also: Chevy made fun of my team last year.)

I then go for the double joke, a Hyperion Classic. "Just kidding," I say, then stick the knife back in. "Actually, from every woman and feral dog I talk to, you're not slow at all. They say you're quite fast on the trigger."

Laughs all around.

(If you don't know what that means, I'm not explaining it. Well, okay. Try here.)

Chevy's a pretty good sport, and he chimes in that he might name his team "Feral Dogs" for this season. Then "Endcat" pops up to ask how, logically, Chevy could have domesticated dogs yet they are still feral. (It's like he was setting me up, although I swear we didn't plan it.)

I jump right back in. "They're feral because Chevy hasn't taught them to come yet."

Okay, so we're 12 years old. It's still pretty hilarious.


In case you're interested, as of Round 9 this is my team so far:

Tom Brady QB NWE
Joseph Addai RB IND
Adrian Peterson RB MIN
Kevin Curtis WR PHI
Jerricho Cotchery WR NYJ
Santonio Holmes WR PIT
Vernon Davis TE SFO
Jason Taylor DL WAS
Antonio Cromartie DB SDG

My 5th Rounder Curtis is already hurt, forcing me to take a 3rd WR early, which means I few defensive players so far, putting me behind the 8-ball, but whatcha gonna do?

My team for the Draft is "Uncle Miltie," which I may or may not keep for the season. Uncle Miltie is of course Milton Berle, early TV star and comedian. The reason I chose this name is because of how dominant my team was last year, and my plans to switch things up.

This goes back to Milton Berle. Besides being a legendary performer, Milton was also legendary for being...um, blessed by God. Even his Wikipedia page mentions it!

Berle was also famous within show business for the rumored size of his penis. Phil Silvers once told a story about standing next to Berle at a urinal, glancing down, and quipping, "You'd better feed that thing, or it's liable to turn on you!" Saturday Night Live writer Alan Zweibel, who had written many Friars Club jokes about Berle's penis for other comedians, described being treated to a private showing: "He just takes out this— this anaconda. He lays it on the table and I'm looking into this thing, right? I'm looking into the head of Milton Berle's dick. It was enormous. It was like a pepperoni. And he goes, 'What do you think of the boy?' And I'm looking right at it and I go, 'Oh, it's really, really nice.'" At a memorial service for Berle at the New York Friars' Club, Freddie Roman solemnly announced, "On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried."

My favorite story about Uncle Miltie's, um, blessedness involves the periodic challenges. Apparently, outside the ladies, no one ever saw the full package. It would go like this.....

Some young buck, new to Hollywood, would approach Milton Berle, and bring up the endowment, saying, ""I hear you've got the biggest dick in comedy."

And Miltie would say back to him, "Well, I'm a modest man..."

And the kid says, "Come on... we'll have a contest."

And Miltie says, "No no no..."

and the kid says, "Come on... we'll have a contest..."

And Miltie says, "Kid, gimme a break."

and the kid says, "You chicken, Miltie? I'll whip out mine and you whip out yours and we'll see whose is bigger! Come on!"

and Miltie smiles and says, "Fine. But I'm only taking out enough to win."

That's my plan for Fantasy Football. No more crushing teams by 40, making them look horrible. My new plan is to bench my starters on Monday Nights, and tantalize my opponent that maybe they have a chance, while knowing they don't. In other words, I plan on doing just enough to win.


Hyperion
August 22, 2008

Oh, Miltie!

My Life is Over

Tom Brady is out for the Season.


Shoot me now.

2008 Fantasy Football Lineup

It's September, which means another fantasy football season. Every year I plan on escaping, but fantasy football is much like the Mafia: "Just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in." I mean, our fantasy football league contains two twin brothers and their father, and they have a set of (very attractive) twin sisters. This means every lewd joke is three for the price of one. You cannot beat that, people!

This year we had a standard draft (where you get 12 hours per pick, but are encouraged to go faster.) I guess this was in response to last year, which didn't go so well. (You will no doubt recall me writing about the debacle that resulted in picking 4 Linebackers by Round 10.) I thought a few small changes would have allowed the Live Draft to continue, but maybe it was just as well.

Unfortunately, due to my popularity with the ladies (and my Shirt Tales Fan Fiction Forum Moderator commitments), I was not able to adequately prepare for this year's draft. See, that's the trap of the 12 hour picks. You figure, "Oh, I can just do my research whenever it's my turn." Sadly, the Tyranny of the Urgent always seems to intervene, not to mention the fact that 11 out of the 12 guys sleep at night, which means the draft is silent, when I could be picking like crazy. This puts me under even more pressure to get up every few hours and check to see when I'm up. (And don't even get me started about the abomination of the Auto Picker.)

Case in point: We play in an IDP league, which means we pick Defensive players as well as offense. Generally defensive scoring is a crapshoot, and (more importantly), the leaders tend to score right around each other, so with a few exceptions, picking defense early is not seen as too bright. However, I have this whole separation theory. The way I see it, if (say), the top Defensive Lineman (DL) is going to score 25 more points than the next DL down the list, it would be worth it to take him, even if DLs score less overall than Wide Receivers. (WR) It's about that separation.

But I did so badly! I picked up Antonio Comarte in like the Sixth Round! What was I thinking? Defensive Backs (DBs) are notorously hard to predict scoring, because Interceptions are not steady stats. Then, I wanted a top DL. However, instead of picking the guy I think is set for a monster year, Mario Williams, I pick Jason Taylor. Every year up until now Taylor would be a great early pick, but with his hold out, Dancing with the Stars and advancing age, it's more of a risk. THEN THE BASTARD GOES OUT AND GETS HURT IN THE FIRST GAME!!

Speaking of getting hurt: in the 4th Round I knew I had to take a WR. The sad secret (that no one will admit) is that we're all using the same 4 or 5 sources for our information. This means that early on, there is not much discrepency. Also, Fantasy Football is all about trends, and this year the big trend is to take WRs earlier than normal. Running Backs (RBs) have always been tantamount, with conventional wisdom being that most WRs score so similarly that it doesn't really matter who you get after the top couple. Maybe not any more.

As I wrote last year, we have a "Keeper" league. This means that each season we can keep up to three people. I've always been against the Keeper concept, and still am, but lately it's been in my favor. Two years ago I drafted Tom Brady too early, but last year it really paid off. I also drafted Joseph Addai too early (in part on the advice of Wordnerd), partly because I was looking to the future. And last year I drafted Adrian Peterson too early. Of course, I didn't have to wait a year for him to pay off.

The end result is, I have thee Keepers (QB Tom Brady, RB Joseph Addai, RB Adrian Peterson) who would go in the first ten of any start-from-scratch draft in the country. That's pretty sweet.

But there are tradeoffs. Every keeper loses an early draft pick, which means I'm not selecting until the 4th round. the big-name WRs were all keepers, and several others were drafted early, which means if I wanted a quality guy I had to draft early. I took Santonio Holmes with my 4th Round pick, and then Kevin Curtis with my 5th. I was unsure about that one, but the paper trail seemed tight. Of course, then he goes and gets hurt. (And don't tell me for a second it had nothing to do with me.)

After the first 7 or 8 rounds it's more of "Anybody's Guess." Even after six years most of our league is playing by ear. (And the most prepared guys are usually awful.) You take some chances, because the coolest part of Fantasy Football is drafting that Sleeper that no one has heard of who ends up being awesome. (Case in point. Last year I picked up Wes Welker UNDRAFTED. How cool is that?)

Again, though, I'm hemmed in. I took Rashard Mendenhall (RB from Pit), on the chance he pans out and Willie Parker is hurt. That's a flyer. Then I had to take Chester Taylor (RB from Min), because the one scary thing about Adrian Peterson is that he's hurt some weeks. You HAVE to have Taylor if you have Peterson, just in case. This gave me 4 RBs, which means, I notice DeShawn Foster (RB Car) still available in the 14th Round, but I couldn't pick him because our Commish Bear (or Der Furher, as I call him) has a 4 RB limit. The hell!

One other dilemma. I get to the 18th Round, my pick coming up. Just then news comes across the wires that Michael Strahan (DL) is thinking about coming out of retirement. Strahan is always a huge scorer. Taylor is hurt, and my other DL Robert Mathis is hurt, which means that Strahan could really help. Except: he's retired! Do I take the chance he comes out of retirement?

I did.

And, of coruse, he stayed retired. Oh well.

As soon as the draft was over I dropped him and picked up Shawne Merriman. Merriman went undrafted because he's injired, looks like season-long. However, the idiot is determined to play. Probably break his leg in the first game, but he also scores a lot, so who knows, right?

Anyway, here's my team going into this week:

Tom Brady QB NWE
Joseph Addai RB IND
Adrian Peterson RB MIN
Santonio Holmes WR PIT
Kevin Curtis WR PHI
Antonio Cromartie DB SDG
Jason Taylor DL WAS
Rashard Mendenhall RB PIT
Chester Taylor RB MIN
Jerricho Cotchery WR NYJ
Devin Hester WR CHI
Reggie Brown WR PHI
Vernon Davis TE SFO
Josh Brown K STL
Darnell Dockett DL ARI
Robert Mathis DL IND
Mike Vrabel LB NWE
Ray Lewis LB BAL
Paul Posluszny LB BUF
Leigh Bodden DB DET
Shawne Merriman LB SDG

Fantasy Football - the Fantasy ends

Well, what I feared came to pass.

The snowstorm ate up the Patriots, and more importantly Tom Brady, and my team could never recover. In the back of my mind I feared this all week, and maybe that brought it to pass.

Final score: ROFLsberger 104.8 - Black Dwarves 80.8

Tom Brady averages 30 points. In this game? 1.2. If he hits his average, I win. Because Brady was down, Welker did nothing. Unrelatedly, Antonio Gates did nothing. I mean, woulda coulda shoulda, but this was only the second time all season I was below 100 points. What a time to lay an egg.

To make matters worse, I made a few remarks earlier in the week about how my opponent had not congratulated me on winning the division, instead making a few catty remarks. No big deal. So, Monday afternoon, long after our playoff game was decided, as I was wallowing in my misery, he writes this post on the Message Board.

Hyperion,

This is long overdue, but congratulations on winning the division.

Ouch.

All that's left is to play Ferret Freedom Alliance for 3rd place. I can hardly wait.

Fantasy Football - the Playoffs begin

I have not updated Fantasy football in awhile.

Basically, I won the final game, thus winning my division. Of course, for all practical purposes the game did not matter. I was playing a team (ROFLsberger) with the same record going in (10-3), and we had the best records in the league by at least 2 games. No matter what happened in this game, we were both making the playoffs. Moreover, because the loser couldn't win the division, he would automatically get the wildcard slot. We have 3 divisions, and in the playoffs it looks like this:

Team #1 vs. Team #4
Team #2 vs. Team #3

Teams 1, 2, and 3 are made up of the three division winners. Meaning: We were destined to play each other two weeks in a row no matter what, as the winner would automatically be the league's best team, and the loser would get the wildcard.

Still, the team owner was quite catting and wouldn't congratulate me on the victory. Will the gods care? We'll see.

Procuring my victory (which, by the way, I won 125.3 to 113.2), I managed to set some other records too. I had the highest score in the league this year by 165 points. I won't bore you with all the statistical analysis from previous seasons, but suffice it to say that's a giant margin. Additionally, my 1656.9 points for the season (a 118.35 avg.) was 85.7 points more than anyone has ever scored during a regular season ever in the history of our league.

You'd think this would be worth a few oohs and ahhs from the league, but so far just hatred.

The worst part? It all might come for naught. The way playoffs work, you have one bad season and you're done. My entire mostly magical season, full of set records and so forth, will mean nothing if I happen to lose to ROFLsberger this weekend. Worse: I could score the best ever and still lose, as I cannot control what his squad does. Sometimes it's just a guy's week.

But I'm hoping not. I really want to beat this guy, and vanquish his gloating ass.

His big scorer is Matt Hasselback, QB for Seattle, so if you want to do voodoo, start with him. then move on to RB Marshawn Lynch, WRs Plaxico Burress, Reggie Wayne and Tory Holt and TE Jason Whitten.

I should know by Monday where I stand. I'm actually nervous.

Fantasy Football update - Yikes!

I thought I was actually going to have an easy victory this week, but going into Monday Night Football, I'm 35.3 points behind! How did that happen?

The King of Jellies leads me 112.4 - 77.1 (aren't you glad I didn't make you do the math?)

Tonight he has Defensive Lineman (DL) Terrell Suggs playing for Baltimore.

I have a DL too: Kelly Gregg (also for Baltimore). Luckily, I also have Tom Brady (QB) and Wes Welker (WR) from New England.

Basically, I need the DLs to cancel each other out, while the Brady/Welker combo scores 36 points. This is not likely, but it's not impossible, either.

So start praying!

By the way, the team breathing down my game (ROFLsberger) already won their game, so if I don't win I will be tied for the best record going into next week against him. I desperately want to win my division!

Fantasy Football - Playoff Bound! (I think)

My team won! My team won! My team won!

It was a tad closer than I'd have liked (and my Shadow Championship score sucked), but Gothic Lolita - The Black Dwarf beat A Mavin Lepton Sleuth 103.3 - 87.4. Brady threw in an underwhelming but still team-high leading 19.6 points, and Antonio Gates added 19 as my squad did just enough to win. I would lament I didn't do better, especially as 6 different teams in the league would have beaten me, but I can't get too mad, because I think I am virtually assured of being in the playoffs.

My record is 10 - 2. There is only one team at 9 - 3, and the rest are at least 7 - 5 or worse. Unfortunately, the 9 - 3 team is in my division, and I play him in the last week! However, even if I lose this game and then to him, that would make me 10 - 4, and while I'd lose the division, I think I'd get the wild card because no one else is currently better than 7 - 5, which means they can't get to 10 wins. (There may be something I haven't thought of, but I don't think so.)

If I win this week, I win the division and ensure the #1 seed in the playoffs. I have to win both week to ensure the sole #1 record, but if I win this week I'll be one game up and no matter what happens next week I own all tie - breakers. Plus, I'm still like 173 points ahead of the next highest team, and I'd like to end the regular season 200+ points ahead, to show how truly dominating I am. Still, I'd like to win both games and finish 12-2. I' not sure anyone has done that. (Of course, it won't matter if I don't win the playoffs, but one step at a time.)

Below is the box score. I rock!

		A Mavin Lepton Sleuth Owner: Pablo Neruda				Gothic Lolita - the Black Dwarf Owner: Hyperion
16.10 Kurt Warner ARI QB SFO 37 FINAL ARI 31 34-48, 484 yds passing (2 TDs), 2 INTs, 1 fumble(s) 5.60 Maurice Morris SEA RB SEA 24 FINAL STL 19 16 carries, 79 yds rushing 1 catch, 5 yds receiving 4.60 Bobby Engram SEA WR SEA 24 FINAL STL 19 7 catches, 70 yds receiving 10.20 Terrell Owens DAL WR NYJ 3 FINAL DAL 34 6 catches, 65 yds receiving (1 TDs) 1.00 Anquan Boldin ARI WR SFO 37 FINAL ARI 31 1 fumble(s) 6 catches, 76 yds receiving 7.40 Owen Daniels HOU TE HOU 17 FINAL CLE 27 1 fumble(s) 7 catches, 82 yds receiving (1 TDs) 6.00 Josh Brown SEA K SEA 24 FINAL STL 19 1 FG (33), 2 missed FGs (46,52), 3 PATs 6.50 Kenyon Coleman NYJ DL NYJ 3 FINAL DAL 34 6 tackles, 1 assist 2.00 Michael Strahan NYG DL MIN 41 FINAL NYG 17 2 tackles 11.00 Donnie Edwards KAN LB OAK 20 FINAL KAN 17 5 tackles, 2 assists, 1.0 sack, 1 FF 7.00 James Harrison PIT LB MIA 0 FINAL PIT 3 2 tackles, 1.0 sack, 1 FF 6.00 Oshiomogho Atogwe STL DB SEA 24 FINAL STL 19 1 tackle, 1 pass defensed, 1 INT 4.00 Cedric Griffin MIN DB MIN 41 FINAL NYG 17 3 tackles, 1 pass defensed 87.40					19.60 Tom Brady NWE QB PHI 28 FINAL NWE 31 34-54, 380 yds passing (1 TDs) 3 carries, 16 yds rushing 9.80 Joseph Addai IND RB IND 31 FINAL ATL 13 10 carries, 44 yds rushing (1 TDs) 2 catches, 14 yds receiving 5.20 Dwayne Bowe KAN WR OAK 20 FINAL KAN 17 4 catches, 63 yds receiving, 1 tackle 9.80 Wes Welker NWE WR PHI 28 FINAL NWE 31 13 catches, 149 yds receiving 3.20 Brandon Stokley DEN WR DEN 34 FINAL CHI 37 5 catches, 50 yds receiving 19.00 Antonio Gates SDG TE BAL 14 FINAL SDG 32 6 catches, 105 yds receiving (2 TDs) 10.70 Nick Folk DAL K NYJ 3 FINAL DAL 34 2 FGs (46,27), 4 PATs 3.50 Kelly Gregg BAL DL BAL 14 FINAL SDG 32 2 tackles, 3 assists 5.00 Julius Peppers CAR DL NOR 31 FINAL CAR 6 1 pass defensed, 1 INT 5.50 E.J. Henderson MIN LB MIN 41 FINAL NYG 17 5 tackles, 1 assist 4.00 London Fletcher WAS LB WAS 13 FINAL TAM 19 4 tackles 7.50 Nick Harper TEN DB TEN 6 FINAL CIN 35 6 tackles, 1 assist, 1 pass defensed 0.50 Charles Woodson GNB DB GNB 37 FINAL DET 26 1 assist 103.30
SCORING: Kurt Warner 28 yd TD pass to Larry Fitzgerald (6.00 pts) Kurt Warner 48 yd TD pass to Larry Fitzgerald (6.00 pts) Terrell Owens 22 yd TD pass from Tony Romo (6.00 pts) Owen Daniels 6 yd TD pass from Matt Schaub (6.00 pts) Josh Brown PAT (1.00 pts) Josh Brown 33 yd FG (3.00 pts) Josh Brown PAT (1.00 pts) Josh Brown PAT (1.00 pts)					SCORING: Tom Brady 19 yd TD pass to Jabar Gaffney (6.00 pts) Joseph Addai 4 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Antonio Gates 35 yd TD pass from Philip Rivers (6.00 pts) Antonio Gates 25 yd TD pass from Philip Rivers (6.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk 46 yd FG (3.70 pts) Nick Folk 27 yd FG (3.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts)
GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Kurt Warner 484 yards passing (16.10 pts) Maurice Morris 84 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.60 pts) Bobby Engram 70 combined rushing and receiving yards (4.60 pts) Terrell Owens 65 combined rushing and receiving yards (4.20 pts) Anquan Boldin 76 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.00 pts) Owen Daniels 82 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.40 pts) Kenyon Coleman 6 tackles (6.00 pts) Kenyon Coleman 1 assist (0.50 pts) Michael Strahan 2 tackles (2.00 pts) Donnie Edwards 5 tackles (5.00 pts) Donnie Edwards 2 assists (1.00 pts) Donnie Edwards 1.0 sack (3.00 pts) Donnie Edwards 1 fumble forced (2.00 pts) James Harrison 2 tackles (2.00 pts) James Harrison 1.0 sack (3.00 pts) James Harrison 1 fumble forced (2.00 pts) Oshiomogho Atogwe 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Oshiomogho Atogwe 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Oshiomogho Atogwe 1 interception (4.00 pts) Cedric Griffin 3 tackles (3.00 pts) Cedric Griffin 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts)					GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Tom Brady 380 yards passing (12.60 pts) Tom Brady 16 combined rushing and receiving yards (1.00 pts) Joseph Addai 58 combined rushing and receiving yards (3.80 pts) Dwayne Bowe 63 combined rushing and receiving yards (4.20 pts) Dwayne Bowe 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Wes Welker 149 combined rushing and receiving yards (9.80 pts) Brandon Stokley 50 combined rushing and receiving yards (3.20 pts) Antonio Gates 105 combined rushing and receiving yards (7.00 pts) Kelly Gregg 2 tackles (2.00 pts) Kelly Gregg 3 assists (1.50 pts) Julius Peppers 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Julius Peppers 1 interception (4.00 pts) E.J. Henderson 5 tackles (5.00 pts) E.J. Henderson 1 assist (0.50 pts) London Fletcher 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Nick Harper 6 tackles (6.00 pts) Nick Harper 1 assist (0.50 pts) Nick Harper 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Charles Woodson 1 assist (0.50 pts)
DEDUCTIONS: Kurt Warner 2 interceptions (-8.00 pts) Kurt Warner 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts) Anquan Boldin 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts) Owen Daniels 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts)					DEDUCTIONS: None.

Fantasy Football Week 12

I forgot to mention this, but I won last week! My team (currently called Gothic Lolita - the Black Dwarf, although I mean to change that) defeated the Milkshake-Powered Psychonaut Bears 131.5 - 105.4. Adrian Peterson was out, which hurt, but Brady scored over 40, and several of my other key guys threw in decent to good games, and I ended up with another good score. (It was the second highest score of the week, by 5 points, putting 10-1 in the Shadow Championship for the week. I don't have data for the Shadow Championship for the year, but I plan to soon.)

Also this last weekend I won the very first Eliminator SFL Pool. This was where we pick who will win in our league each week, and see who can be right the longest. I was facing one other guy and his pick lost narrowly, giving me the victory. I had predicted my team would win, hoping for the karmic boost for my guys.

This week I play a team that USED to be called Up in Hot llamas, but now is called A Mavin Lepton Sleuth. I'm not 100% sure what that name means, but I know the team owner (Pablo Neruda) works at the Smithsonian at Harvard doing some sort of Physics thing, so he may be describing his job. As you can tell, this is the third team to have a "space" flavored name, copying me. (Remember: my original name was Baryon the MACHO Black Dwarf.) I should be flattered, but am instead enraged. Oh well.

Obviously you should be rooting for Tom Brady, Joseph Addai, Wes Welker, Antonio Gates and Dwayne Bowe, and if you have the time, say a few curses for Kurt Warner, Maurice Morris and Anquan Boldin.

I should know by Sunday night if I'm going to win.

Fantasy Fears

My team is completely falling apart. It never occurred to me to get Adrian Peterson's backup, and now that Peterson is likely out for the season, I am totally screwed. I just got humiliated with one of the worst scores I've ever had (if not the worst), and while I still have the best record in the league, and while I've still scored 150 more points than the NEXT BEST TEAM (and almost 400 above 12th place), I still can feel the wheels almost coming off.

To make matters worse, I play my good friend Bear and his cagey Milkshake-Powered Psychnaut Bears this weekend. If you love me at all, you'll pray that Tom Brady has a monster game, but throws no touchdowns to Benjamin Watson, that Joseph Addai atones for last week and runs for 400 yards (but that Adam Vinatieri misses all the extra points), that Brian Westbrook is indicted for Perjury, and that Cleveland's Derek Anderson completes 10 passes--all to Pittsburgh Steeler players!

Gothic Lolit - The Black Dwarf is counting on you!

Fantasy Football - Week 9 results

I won. Big deal. The artists formerly known as Black Dwarf Juggernauts defeated River Tam Beats Up Everyone 111.3 - 81.1. For once Brady wasn't the star of my show, as Adrian Peterson and Joseph Addai proved I am the best talent scout our league has.

I changed my team name right before game time to Gothic Lolita - the Black Dwarf. I got the term "Gothic Lolita" from an article I read on Straight Dope. I tentatively plan on writing about it later this month, but if you can't wait to find out what it is, look it up on Wikipedia. Fascinating stuff. I will not be able to change my team name for at least a week because, for the first time in five weeks, I was not the high scorer. I was close to the high score, but ended up with only the 4th most points for the week. It's almost like losing.

I guess I shouldn't complain, as next week Brady is on bye and I will almost certainly lose. Oh well. At least I'm 8-1. No one else in the league has fewer than 3 losses, which means even after next week I'll have the best record in the league.

Anyway, here's the box score of my ho-hum victory.

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		Gothic Lolita - the Black Dwarf Owner: Hyperion				River Tam Beats Up Everyone Owner: Summer Glau
19.30 Tom Brady NWE QB NWE 24 FINAL IND 20 21-32, 255 yds passing (3 TDs), 2 INTs 5 carries, 14 yds rushing 21.00 Joseph Addai IND RB NWE 24 FINAL IND 20 26 carries, 112 yds rushing 5 catches, 114 yds receiving (1 TDs) 35.00 Adrian Peterson MIN RB SDG 17 FINAL MIN 35 30 carries, 296 yds rushing (3 TDs), 1 fumble(s) 1 catch, 19 yds receiving 0.00 Dwayne Bowe KAN WR GNB 33 FINAL KAN 22 8.40 Wes Welker NWE WR NWE 24 FINAL IND 20 5 catches, 38 yds receiving (1 TDs) 1.60 Antonio Gates SDG TE SDG 17 FINAL MIN 35 1 catch, 10 yds receiving, 1 tackle 8.00 Nick Folk DAL K DAL 38 FINAL PHI 17 1 FG (22), 5 PATs 2.50 Kelly Gregg BAL DL BAL 7 FINAL PIT 38 1 tackle, 3 assists 2.50 Julius Peppers CAR DL CAR 7 FINAL TEN 20 2 tackles, 1 assist 1.00 Derrick Brooks TAM LB ARI 10 FINAL TAM 17 2 assists 7.00 London Fletcher WAS LB WAS 23 FINAL NYJ 20 7 tackles 1.50 Adrian Wilson ARI DB ARI 10 FINAL TAM 17 1 tackle, 1 assist 3.50 C.C. Brown HOU DB HOU 24 FINAL OAK 17 3 tackles, 1 assist 111.30					17.20 Carson Palmer CIN QB CIN 21 FINAL BUF 33 26-39, 271 yds passing (2 TDs), 1 INTs 3 carries, 5 yds rushing 3.80 Willie Parker PIT RB BAL 7 FINAL PIT 38 23 carries, 42 yds rushing 1 catch, 17 yds receiving 8.60 LenDale White TEN RB CAR 7 FINAL TEN 20 31 carries, 100 yds rushing (1 TDs), 1 fumble(s) 1 catch, 1 yds receiving 3.20 Chad Johnson CIN WR CIN 21 FINAL BUF 33 1 carry, 1 yds rushing 3 catches, 48 yds receiving 6.60 Donald Driver GNB WR GNB 33 FINAL KAN 22 5 catches, 99 yds receiving 8.20 Kellen Winslow CLE TE SEA 30 FINAL CLE 33 11 catches, 125 yds receiving 5.00 Ryan Longwell MIN K SDG 17 FINAL MIN 35 1 missed FG (57), 5 PATs 1.00 Chris Kelsay BUF DL CIN 21 FINAL BUF 33 1 tackle 4.00 Antonio Smith ARI DL ARI 10 FINAL TAM 17 4 tackles 8.50 Kirk Morrison OAK LB HOU 24 FINAL OAK 17 7 tackles, 1 assist, 1 pass defensed 8.00 Landon Johnson CIN LB CIN 21 FINAL BUF 33 5 tackles, 4 assists, 1 pass defensed 7.00 Sean Taylor WAS DB WAS 23 FINAL NYJ 20 7 tackles 0.00 David Barrett NYJ DB WAS 23 FINAL NYJ 20 81.10
SCORING: Tom Brady 4 yd TD pass to Randy Moss (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 3 yd TD pass to Wes Welker (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 13 yd TD pass to Kevin Faulk (6.00 pts) Joseph Addai 73 yd TD pass from Peyton Manning (6.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 1 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 64 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 46 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Wes Welker 3 yd TD pass from Tom Brady (6.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk 22 yd FG (3.00 pts)					SCORING: Carson Palmer 15 yd TD pass to T.J. Houshmandzadeh (6.00 pts) Carson Palmer 1 yd TD pass to Jeremi Johnson (6.00 pts) LenDale White 1 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Ryan Longwell PAT (1.00 pts) Ryan Longwell PAT (1.00 pts) Ryan Longwell PAT (1.00 pts) Ryan Longwell PAT (1.00 pts) Ryan Longwell PAT (1.00 pts)
GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Tom Brady 255 yards passing (8.50 pts) Tom Brady 14 combined rushing and receiving yards (0.80 pts) Joseph Addai 226 combined rushing and receiving yards (15.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 315 combined rushing and receiving yards (21.00 pts) Wes Welker 38 combined rushing and receiving yards (2.40 pts) Antonio Gates 10 combined rushing and receiving yards (0.60 pts) Antonio Gates 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Kelly Gregg 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Kelly Gregg 3 assists (1.50 pts) Julius Peppers 2 tackles (2.00 pts) Julius Peppers 1 assist (0.50 pts) Derrick Brooks 2 assists (1.00 pts) London Fletcher 7 tackles (7.00 pts) Adrian Wilson 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Adrian Wilson 1 assist (0.50 pts) C.C. Brown 3 tackles (3.00 pts) C.C. Brown 1 assist (0.50 pts)					GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Carson Palmer 271 yards passing (9.00 pts) Carson Palmer 5 combined rushing and receiving yards (0.20 pts) Willie Parker 59 combined rushing and receiving yards (3.80 pts) LenDale White 101 combined rushing and receiving yards (6.60 pts) Chad Johnson 49 combined rushing and receiving yards (3.20 pts) Donald Driver 99 combined rushing and receiving yards (6.60 pts) Kellen Winslow 125 combined rushing and receiving yards (8.20 pts) Chris Kelsay 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Antonio Smith 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Kirk Morrison 7 tackles (7.00 pts) Kirk Morrison 1 assist (0.50 pts) Kirk Morrison 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Landon Johnson 5 tackles (5.00 pts) Landon Johnson 4 assists (2.00 pts) Landon Johnson 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Sean Taylor 7 tackles (7.00 pts)
DEDUCTIONS: Tom Brady 2 interceptions (-8.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts)					DEDUCTIONS: Carson Palmer 1 interception (-4.00 pts)