Friday, January 23, 2009

Oscar Nominations

The Oscar Nominations came out yesterday, and I have been pretty surly/angry ever since. Why do I care? I don't know.

And, to be fair, I have not seen any of the five Best Picture nominated movies yet. I cannot judge until I do.

That said, I have seen many movies in my day--as I review them--and I know a great movie when I see it. I have a hard time believing all 5 nominated films are better than THE DARK KNIGHT.

But, I will watch them before I go ballistic. And if I'm wrong, I will say so publicly.

But if I'm right.......

Oh What a Feeling!


last night I had to pee really badly, and I generally wait as long as possible because the walking being so difficult, but this is bad because each step is a jolt of pain, which, when you have to pee badly, makes it more difficult to hold it in.


Trying to maximize my "walking time," I decided to warm up some soup and fill my water bottles at the same time I peed. Unfortunately, I decided to fill up two gallon-sized bottles BEFORE peeing, which really was a bad decision.

I tell you the truth: it was the closest I have EVER come to not making it.

Anyway, when I finally was able to....unload = HEAVEN.

And it got me to thinking: when you have to pee REALLY BADLY, and you finally get to....that's a pretty great feeling, you now? I'm not saying it's going to replace procreation or anything, but it's a pretty fantastic sensation.

So, I was talking to a girl after this, and happened to mention the peeing theory, and she was in agreement, but not as enthusiastic as I. Finally, I figured out the problem. "Okay," I said, "Imagine you have to pee worse than anything. Now, imagine you pee through your clitoris."

"Ahhhhhh," she said. "Now I understand."

[Anyone who has never spoken to me is now thinking I am a total pervert. Anyone who has spoken to me is not even remotely surprised. "That's just Hyperion." they say. Bastards. Why do they always have to talk about me?]

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Talk to Me (The Nuts and Bolts)

So, last week, I wrote about my Birthday Goals, which my mom asks people for every time they have a birthday. One of these goals was to keep in closer contact with people. It always amazes me how long I can go between talking to people. Some of this is laziness, some of it is my particular emotional state (sometimes I don't want to talk to people), and some of it is just the way my brain works. I might think, "I just talked to X..." The reality is I might not have talked to X since June.

(I do this with everything. I'll say, "The other day,....." and totally mean the other day, even though the day I'm talking about is in 2006. This is how my brain works. And don't even get me started on what "down the street" means to me.)

Anyway, one thing you surely have noticed is that I have some of the greatest ideas in the history of the world. However, my brain is not "anchored" to the current reality we choose to accept, and it is quite common for me to completely forget things that I care deeply about.

I totally need a secretary or an assistant, or at least an intern. I am completely convinced that if I had a scheduler who told me what I needed to do right that minute, I could accomplish anything.

However, since I don't have one at the moment, I need to improvise.

As far as the Keeping in Contact thing goes, I realized that, as hokey as it sounds, it wasn't going to happen unless it was written down.

I went through my entire Address Book, and put each name into a category, based on how often I thought I should (or should want to) talk/email that person. Here are the categories:






Plus, write everyone not on this list (in my email contacts) at least once this year.

The once a week tier started at 14 people, but I expect that number to initially go up quite a bit, and then go down. I think it will go up because some of the people I contact in the various tiers will write me back and there will be some back-and-forth that almost by default will put them in that category. However, only time will tell if a weekly communication level can be sustained.

The other three categories have around 18-24 people in each. Again, I see the tiers as somewhat fluid, and I assume people will move up or down depending on if they write back and if they are interesting.

Then there are people that I am ashamed I don't talk to. How can I have fallen out of regular conversation with them? I plan to contact them by any means necessary and at least try to get them on the list.

That leaves everyone else. Some I barely know. Many I don't even know their names; I just have an email. (They used to get my column, and now get the email notification.) These people should get at least 1 email from me this year.

The idea is to pull up this document each time I use the computer, and have it sitting open. This makes me more likely to use it, and when, in the course of email and whatever, I happen to talk to someone, I write down the date next to their name. This way I have a record of how often I'm talking to people.

It sounds like I'm taking all the life out of communication, but it really seems to be the only way I will remember. For example, my friend Bear is on the weekly list. Bear is one of my two closest friends, and because of that, I always assume I talk to him every couple of days. However, sometimes it's several months!

(I am not making this up. I have a real block about this kind of thing. I simply cannot hold that kind of information in my head. I can remember millions of things other people can't, but I can't do the "normal" things.)

I'm hoping the list--right there in black and white--will compel me to keep up with my goal of communication. The likelihood is that by February I won't be noting the dates I write or talk to people, and by March I will have abandoned it altogether. But I'm trying!

One of my problems is that when someone writes me an interesting letter, I don't want to just write back something quick. I want to take my time and write back something meaningful, something thoughtful. However, once it slips away from immediacy I forget and then it's been 10 days and I'm embarrassed which makes it even harder to write...and it becomes a big thing. The list is to help me avoid that. I hope.

(A solution to this is to block out fifteen minutes a night solely for communication. That's not much, and it would keep the task from getting too big, which often makes things un-faceable. If I can just get in the habit of fifteen minutes of correspondence a night, I could keep on top of it easily. Of course, i would have to sacrifice those 8,000 word letters I am sometimes famous for, but you have to make sacrifices somewhere.)

One other snag is that Kaida has complained several times that she should be in her own tier. If I understand her, her tier would be not just daily conversations, but continual conversation. Then, when I'm not talking to her, I'm either thinking about the last time I talked to her, or I'm anticipating the next time I talk to her, or else I'm penning an epic sonnet in her honor.

(I probably shouldn't have written that last paragraph. Besides further angering her, Bear will probably want to be in that tier now, too.)

Not very many people bother to read my blog, so if you have come here, the odds are that you're in a high tier, or you should be. Write me an email and you're certain to get one back. And you can ask me about what tier you're in, and then hold me to it.

That's really the whole point of writing all this down and posting it. If people know about it, maybe I'll be more accountable.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

What are your Goals?

I've never been real big on New Year's Resolutions. I don't have anything against them necessarily, and I'm even good at making and keeping resolutions, sometimes. (When I was 12 my mom challenged my brother and me to go one month without processed sugar. I went three, just to prove I could.)

But it's just too much of a thing, and I don't do it.

However, every birthday, my mom asks the birthday people what their goals are for the next year of their lives. (You don't have to even be family; if my mom is near you during your birthday, you're going to get asked.) This year I was all prepared, and wrote up a bunch of goals in anticipation of the question. And, for the first time that I can remember, she didn't ask!

Anyway, since I have them all written up and all, I figured I'd post them here. I'm sure I won't get these all accomplished, or even any of them, but at least they're in writing in a public place.

Since my birthday always comes on December 31, it seems like they are de facto resolutions, but to me there is a difference. Resolutions are often about not doing something (smoking, drinking, whoring, etc.), or at least improving something you don't like about yourself. (Get in shape, eat right.) The Birthday goals, on the other hand, are more positive: things I want to get done this year.

So here they are.

Hyperion's Goals for the 34th Year of his Life


Set up Podcasting by February
- I've had the capability for awhile, but something keeps messing up the deal. I would really like this to become a major part of my website.

Register Screenplay before April
- I went to all the trouble of writing a movie screenplay. Why can I not register it with the Writers' Guild and the Library of Congress? I don't know. I am going to try harder.

Get another two screenplays written
- This is a longer shot, but I have developed several ideas, worked them out and storyboarded them. Time to go from the note cards to the page.

Get a novel set up and storyboarded and at least started - I have had my novel set up for far longer than the screenplays. I would like to start putting it into motion.

Send novel already written to a publisher - I already went to the trouble of writing a whole novel. May not be my dream project, like above, but it's done. Why not send it off and see ifanyone's interested? Or a the very least publish it as a podiobook. That might be cool.

Sell at least one short story - I have dozens of short stories written and dozens more in development. It'd be nice to actually get paid for one before I die.

Figure out how to get revenue streams on my site - Maybe it's ads, maybe it's something else, but I work too hard on the Institute not to get something for it.


Revitalize Monkey Barn
- Nobody is happy with the state of Monkey Barn today. I know the answer lies with me. I have to get excited about it again and move it in the direction I want, even if that means completely changing everything. I had an idea last year I'd still like to do, and an even better one for this year, but it's all nothing when all I do is talk.

Empire of the Mind - If I don't get that up and running soon I am going to give up Beef Jerky for a year.

Five Kingdoms - It's a long shot that I can get that community re-started, but I ought to at least set up my vision for it, so the framework is in place.

T.R.A.M.P. - I talked to Schrodinger's Kitten about this the other day. Once the Oscar nominations come out I want to move on this. I think the readers are going to love it.

Keep in closer personal contact with wider group of people
- I don't like that I can so many months or even years without significant contact with people I know. I can't be close friends with everyone. Most people don't want to be close friends with me, or they'd be calling more often. But I can at least stay in contact via email more often, and phone calls for some. I should actually make a schedule. That sounds ridiculous, but it's probably the only way it will happen.


Walk somewhere without a cane
- A pipe dream, and one that I don't have too much control over, but still a goal of mine. Might as well add go a day without pain to this one.

Send Wheelchair back to clinic - This one I think I can do. I don't like that damn thing staring at me. Just waiting.

Get name change completely legal in all 50 states - The name thing hangs over my head like an albatross. Recently I have had to deal with the government on some issues, and they insist on using my former name. It drives me crazy, and I have come close to unhinged several times. I finally have the money to get everything legal (or at least, I should soon), but there still might be hurdles. Kaida told me last night it could take two years. I cannot fathom that. It's not a "bell tower and rifle" kind of moment, but only because I cannot climb stairs. I think if I knew it would take two years to get everything legal I would walk away from all names and go become a nameless preacher on some mesa.

Archon project - For three years this has been the major plan for 2009. Now the year is here and very few plans have been solidified. I need to decide if I am going to move forward, and one way or another make a decision.

And as always - Take over the world

It should be noted that normally when asked, people only come up with two or three goals. So, if you decide to do this in your own family, don't expect this much. I only did because I was preparing ahead of time, and really thought about it. For all our grumbling, though, it is kind of neat. Think about incorporating it into the next birthday party you attend. And if you have a birthday, write and let me know what your goals are. I would love to read them.