Week 8 results

You gotta be getting tired of reading about my awesome fantasy football team, but I'm not getting tired of printing it!

For the fourth time in a row and fifth time all season, I not only one but had the highest score in the league, running my record to an impressive league best 7-1. The Black Dwarf Juggernauts defeated Dan Dan the Dancing Man's All Stars, 148.9 - 90.7. Standouts for me included Joseph Addai, Antonio Gates and of course my man Tom Brady. I may not think New England has a boatload of class running up the score like they do (although it's the NFL, so the other team needs to shut up and stop them if they don't like it), but I am grateful for the fantasy points.

With Brady, it was especially sweet, as he not only threw for three touchdowns, but ran for two more. Could coach Bill Belichick possibly have Tom Brady in his fantasy league? It's the only thing the makes sense. In a 52-7 blowout, he had Tom Brady still in the game in the fourth quarter! What's up with that?

Anyway, I told Kaida she could be the first to rename my team for the week, and she came up with Merry Marvin and the Happy Hos. C'mon, Readers! You can do better than that!


the carnage:

		Merry Marvin and the Happy Hos Owner: Hyperion				Dan Dan the Dancing Man's All Stars Owner: Big Crappy
37.00 Tom Brady NWE QB WAS 7 FINAL NWE 52 29-38, 306 yds passing (3 TDs) 4 carries, 14 yds rushing (2 TDs), 1 fumble(s) 4.60 Adrian Peterson MIN RB PHI 23 FINAL MIN 16 20 carries, 70 yds rushing 25.20 Joseph Addai IND RB IND 31 FINAL CAR 7 23 carries, 100 yds rushing (2 TDs) 2 catches, 9 yds receiving (1 TDs) 11.80 Wes Welker NWE WR WAS 7 FINAL NWE 52 9 catches, 89 yds receiving (1 TDs) 6.00 Kevin Walter HOU WR HOU 10 FINAL SDG 35 7 catches, 77 yds receiving, 1 tackle 18.00 Antonio Gates SDG TE HOU 10 FINAL SDG 35 3 catches, 92 yds receiving (2 TDs) 11.30 Jason Hanson DET K DET 16 FINAL CHI 7 3 FGs (26,52,20), 1 missed FG (29), 1 PAT 3.00 Will Smith NOR DL NOR 31 FINAL SFO 10 1 tackle, 1 assist, 0.5 sack 2.00 Julius Peppers CAR DL IND 31 FINAL CAR 7 2 assists, 1 pass defensed 4.50 Antonio Pierce NYG LB NYG 13 FINAL MIA 10 4 tackles, 1 assist 14.00 London Fletcher WAS LB WAS 7 FINAL NWE 52 11 tackles, 4 assists, 1 pass defensed 7.00 Walt Harris SFO DB NOR 31 FINAL SFO 10 6 tackles, 1 pass defensed 4.50 C.C. Brown HOU DB HOU 10 FINAL SDG 35 4 tackles, 1 assist 148.90					35.20 Drew Brees NOR QB NOR 31 FINAL SFO 10 31-39, 336 yds passing (4 TDs) 2.60 Frank Gore SFO RB NOR 31 FINAL SFO 10 12 carries, 41 yds rushing 1 catch, 0 yds receiving 8.20 Chris Chambers SDG WR HOU 10 FINAL SDG 35 2 catches, 35 yds receiving (1 TDs) 1.40 Arnaz Battle SFO WR NOR 31 FINAL SFO 10 3 catches, 22 yds receiving 5.00 Roy Williams DET WR DET 16 FINAL CHI 7 8 catches, 77 yds receiving 2.80 Heath Miller PIT TE PIT 24 FINAL CIN 13 2 catches, 42 yds receiving 7.00 Shayne Graham CIN K PIT 24 FINAL CIN 13 2 FGs (31,20), 1 PAT 3.00 Andre Carter WAS DL WAS 7 FINAL NWE 52 1 tackle, 1 FR 2.50 Dwight Freeney IND DL IND 31 FINAL CAR 7 2 tackles, 1 assist 4.00 Mathias Kiwanuka NYG LB NYG 13 FINAL MIA 10 3 tackles, 1 pass defensed 8.00 Patrick Willis SFO LB NOR 31 FINAL SFO 10 6 tackles, 4 assists 4.00 Madieu Williams CIN DB PIT 24 FINAL CIN 13 4 tackles 7.00 Bob Sanders IND DB IND 31 FINAL CAR 7 4 tackles, 2 assists, 1 FR 90.70
SCORING: Tom Brady 3 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 2 yd TD pass to Mike Vrabel (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 6 yd TD pass to Randy Moss (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 2 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 2 yd TD pass to Wes Welker (6.00 pts) Joseph Addai 2 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Joseph Addai 4 yd TD pass from Peyton Manning (6.00 pts) Joseph Addai 12 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Wes Welker 2 yd TD pass from Tom Brady (6.00 pts) Antonio Gates 49 yd TD pass from Philip Rivers (6.00 pts) Antonio Gates 31 yd TD pass from Philip Rivers (6.00 pts) Jason Hanson 26 yd FG (3.00 pts) Jason Hanson PAT (1.00 pts) Jason Hanson 52 yd FG (4.30 pts) Jason Hanson 20 yd FG (3.00 pts)					SCORING: Drew Brees 17 yd TD pass to Marques Colston (6.00 pts) Drew Brees 2 yd TD pass to Terrance Copper (6.00 pts) Drew Brees 3 yd TD pass to Marques Colston (6.00 pts) Drew Brees 15 yd TD pass to Marques Colston (6.00 pts) Chris Chambers 14 yd TD pass from Philip Rivers (6.00 pts) Shayne Graham 31 yd FG (3.00 pts) Shayne Graham 20 yd FG (3.00 pts) Shayne Graham PAT (1.00 pts)
GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Tom Brady 306 yards passing (10.20 pts) Tom Brady 14 combined rushing and receiving yards (0.80 pts) Adrian Peterson 70 combined rushing and receiving yards (4.60 pts) Joseph Addai 109 combined rushing and receiving yards (7.20 pts) Wes Welker 89 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.80 pts) Kevin Walter 77 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.00 pts) Kevin Walter 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Antonio Gates 92 combined rushing and receiving yards (6.00 pts) Will Smith 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Will Smith 1 assist (0.50 pts) Will Smith 0.5 sacks (1.50 pts) Julius Peppers 2 assists (1.00 pts) Julius Peppers 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Antonio Pierce 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Antonio Pierce 1 assist (0.50 pts) London Fletcher 11 tackles (11.00 pts) London Fletcher 4 assists (2.00 pts) London Fletcher 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Walt Harris 6 tackles (6.00 pts) Walt Harris 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) C.C. Brown 4 tackles (4.00 pts) C.C. Brown 1 assist (0.50 pts)					GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Drew Brees 336 yards passing (11.20 pts) Frank Gore 41 combined rushing and receiving yards (2.60 pts) Chris Chambers 35 combined rushing and receiving yards (2.20 pts) Arnaz Battle 22 combined rushing and receiving yards (1.40 pts) Roy Williams 77 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.00 pts) Heath Miller 42 combined rushing and receiving yards (2.80 pts) Andre Carter 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Andre Carter 1 fumble recovered (2.00 pts) Dwight Freeney 2 tackles (2.00 pts) Dwight Freeney 1 assist (0.50 pts) Mathias Kiwanuka 3 tackles (3.00 pts) Mathias Kiwanuka 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Patrick Willis 6 tackles (6.00 pts) Patrick Willis 4 assists (2.00 pts) Madieu Williams 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Bob Sanders 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Bob Sanders 2 assists (1.00 pts) Bob Sanders 1 fumble recovered (2.00 pts)
DEDUCTIONS: Tom Brady 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts)					DEDUCTIONS: None.

Fantasy Football Week 8 preview

This week I play Dan Dan the Dancing Man's All Stars. (don't ask.) You're going to want to root against Drew Brees, Frank Gore and Heath Miller having big names.

Meanwhile, as the high scorer yet again, I have been changing my team name all week. I need to pick another name. I have a feeling my high scores are at an end for a couple of weeks, which means I need to lock into one. Do I go with my original "Baryon the MACHO Black Dwarf" or "Black Dwarf Juggernauts" or some variation of the same?

Hyperion is a typical neo-con racist

In 2002 I wrote a column explaining why I wasn't excited about the Olympics. This was back when the column was emailed, and I usually wrote it quickly and then sent it off, without editing, without much thought. I got an idea, wrote it down, sent it out.

Basically I wrote that I didn't like the idea of rooting for a country. I still feel that way, except now I have a whole ideology based off that earlier belief. Anyway, in the column I said I had to root against a country, and I picked France. I did this jokingly, as France was often my punching bag back then, but I did make one point that I believe: France seems to show no gratitude to how America aided them twice in the 20th Century.

What's funny, looking back, is that I used "us" talking about America. I would never do that today.

Anyway, all my early embarrassing attempts at writing are up on the web over at Hyperion Chronicles, free for anyone to see. Well, this morning at 3:02 am I got a comment on that #72. Here is that comment.

Anonymous said...

You overate your importance in World War I. I'm sick of americans saying they saved us in the first world war. You came at the last minute and we lost more men in a single battle than the americans did in the entire war. How dare you mock our efforts. And you probably would not even exsist if wasn't for us saving you in your own American revolution. Typical neo-con racist.

3:02 AM

For some reason it really irked me, and I felt the need to respond.

Hyperion said...

I probably do overrate the importance of the American involvement in WWI. I obviously was writing a humorous column, and thus was not taking the time to parse the nuances of what level of aid America gave. That said, it's not hard to make an argument that without American aid Germany might have won or prolonged the war interminably.

How did I mock "your" efforts? The Scout Troop line? That was a shot, I admit, but a funny one, which trumps sensitivity in a humor piece. More importantly, I notice you remain silent on WWII. You want to talk about an abomination: France is on the permanent UN Security Council, ostensibly given to the "winners" of WWII. Surely there is a difference between "winner" and "got saved."

As for the American Revolution, of course you're right there. French involvement was a huge reason America was able to fight long enough for Britain to quit. (Notice I don't say America won that war. I actually know a considerable bit about history, and Britain could have won that war had they chosen to. In fact, it was piracy--what they'd call terrorism now--that made Britain quit far more than Washingon's efforts. Most Americans don't want to know that.

As for calling me a typical neo-con racist, allow me to educate you. French people are not a race. If you are going to accuse someone of a horrible thing, you should at least know what the word means. You should have called me a xenophobe or a Francophobe. You would have been wrong, but at least your terminology would have been right. As for neo-con, all I can do is roll my eyes. I have never found anyone yet who even knew what the term meant, let alone used it correctly.

Moreover, if you had read closely this column, you would have seen that I abhor jingoism, which is the entire reason I wrote the column. Yes, I took shots at France, but I don't consider America to be a better place than anyone else. I just get tired of a country that traces it's lineage back to cave men days forgetting the Marshall Plan entirely. I get annoyed that France goes on and on about torture, when they themselves made sure the UN exempted previous acts when the torture laws were written, because France acted so abominably in their colonies, specifically Algeria. Didn't know that? Read up on your country. One of the worst human rights records in a long long time. Am I saying its black and white? No. But it's pretty galling (what a great pun!) that France would lecture anybody about human rights with their atrocities so recently in the past. (Of course, I often feel that way about America, with slavery and the American Indians, but France's mistreatment is more on point.)

Lastly--and this is key--you obviously haven't read my stuff. I have almost 1 million words written on my various sites. If you had, you would know that I don't even consider myself American, let alone a rah-rah supporter. But you didn't do that. Fine. You only read the parts that interested you. Fine. You took offense. Fine. But you didn't even have the courage to leave a name, an email address: anything. You commented as Anonymous. Sir, you are worse than a Frenchman. At least the French soldiers went down bravely on the field of battle, often betrayed by incompetent leaders. But you? Did you step bravely onto the Champ de Mars, ready for battle? No. You attacked with a horrible accusation, and then ran and hid. You're not a Frenchman. You're just a coward. I'm ashamed that I ever slept with your mother.

3:36 AM

Too harsh? Too lenient? Too racist? Why I would pay attention I haven't the foggiest, but I felt the need to strike back.

Fantasy Football Week 7 results

Well, my team did it again.

Named BLACK DWARF JUGGERNAUTS, we not only defeated Raegan's a Calvin Fan 136.6 - 92.2, but I was again the highest scorer in the league (for the third week in a row and fourth time this season). At this point I feel the need to start boasting, although I know luck is a big factor.

It wasn't all beer and skittles, as I made a bone-headed decision right before game time to bench my linbacker London Fletcher, who promptly scored 24 points to make me pay. I could have had over 160. Luckily I didn't need the points (and wouldn't've, no matter who I played, as the next highest score was 121.)

My dad was of course highlighted by Tom Brady, whose Patriots just demolished the Dolphins. Brady had 5 touchdown passes IN THE FIRST HALF!!!!! Part of me idly wondered whether he could get 10 if they left him in. I say yes, but sadly we will never know. Still, any time your QB scores that many you're a happy man. (Look down below at how many points Brady scored compared to others.)

One potential landmine: two weeks ago I was fortunate to play Kenton Keith instead of Joseph Addai, whom I heard was out, and Keith responded with a huge game. Good for me, righr? Wrong. Because of his great performance, Indy is now splitting carries between the two backs, and I cannot really justify playing them both. (You only get two RBs a game, and I have to start Adrian Peterson, even if the Minnesota have their heads too far up their own asses to run the ball through him like they should.) Addai is now less valuable to me than he was. Grrrrr.

All in all, though, a nice weekend. I won both of my Suicide Pool picks too, so viva me!

Raw Data:

		Raegan's a Calvin fan Owner: Ben Dover				Black Dwarf Juggernauts Owner: Hyperion
11.40 Tony Romo DAL QB MIN 14 FINAL DAL 24 31-39, 277 yds passing (1 TDs) 1 carry, 4 yds rushing, 1 fumble(s) 4.20 Cedric Benson CHI RB CHI 19 FINAL PHI 16 17 carries, 46 yds rushing 1 catch, 19 yds receiving 4.60 LaMont Jordan OAK RB KAN 12 FINAL OAK 10 11 carries, 29 yds rushing 4 catches, 40 yds receiving 9.40 Donte' Stallworth NWE WR NWE 49 FINAL MIA 28 3 catches, 51 yds receiving (1 TDs) 13.20 Roddy White ATL WR ATL 16 FINAL NOR 22 8 catches, 110 yds receiving (1 TDs) 8.60 Jeremy Shockey NYG TE SFO 15 FINAL NYG 33 5 catches, 39 yds receiving (1 TDs) 4.00 Jeff Reed PIT K PIT 28 FINAL DEN 31 1 missed FG (65), 4 PATs 2.00 John Abraham ATL DL ATL 16 FINAL NOR 22 1 tackle, 1 pass defensed 4.00 Mario Williams HOU DL TEN 38 FINAL HOU 36 4 tackles 11.50 Ray Lewis BAL LB BAL 14 FINAL BUF 19 8 tackles, 5 assists, 1 pass defensed 10.50 Ernie Sims DET LB TAM 16 FINAL DET 23 8 tackles, 5 assists 5.50 Ed Reed BAL DB BAL 14 FINAL BUF 19 3 tackles, 3 assists, 1 pass defensed 4.00 Roy Williams DAL DB MIN 14 FINAL DAL 24 2 tackles, 2 assists, 1 pass defensed 92.90					47.80 Tom Brady NWE QB NWE 49 FINAL MIA 28 21-25, 354 yds passing (6 TDs) 7.00 Joseph Addai IND RB IND 29 FINAL JAC 7 16 carries, 85 yds rushing 4 catches, 22 yds receiving 7.00 Adrian Peterson MIN RB MIN 14 FINAL DAL 24 12 carries, 63 yds rushing (1 TDs), 1 fumble(s) 1 catch, 12 yds receiving 6.60 Dwayne Bowe KAN WR KAN 12 FINAL OAK 10 3 catches, 84 yds receiving, 1 tackle 21.20 Wes Welker NWE WR NWE 49 FINAL MIA 28 9 catches, 138 yds receiving (2 TDs) 1.40 Vernon Davis SFO TE SFO 15 FINAL NYG 33 4 catches, 22 yds receiving 6.60 Nick Folk DAL K MIN 14 FINAL DAL 24 1 FG (45), 1 missed FG (50), 3 PATs 4.00 Will Smith NOR DL ATL 16 FINAL NOR 22 3 tackles, 2 assists 6.00 Kelly Gregg BAL DL BAL 14 FINAL BUF 19 4 tackles, 2 assists, 1 pass defensed 10.00 Antonio Pierce NYG LB SFO 15 FINAL NYG 33 5 tackles, 1 pass defensed, 1 INT 9.50 E.J. Henderson MIN LB MIN 14 FINAL DAL 24 8 tackles, 3 assists 4.50 Walt Harris SFO DB SFO 15 FINAL NYG 33 4 tackles, 1 assist 5.00 C.C. Brown HOU DB TEN 38 FINAL HOU 36 3 tackles, 2 assists, 1 pass defensed 136.60
SCORING: Tony Romo 5 yd TD pass to Terrell Owens (6.00 pts) Donte' Stallworth 30 yd TD pass from Tom Brady (6.00 pts) Roddy White 9 yd TD pass from Byron Leftwich (6.00 pts) Jeremy Shockey 2 yd TD pass from Eli Manning (6.00 pts) Jeff Reed PAT (1.00 pts) Jeff Reed PAT (1.00 pts) Jeff Reed PAT (1.00 pts) Jeff Reed PAT (1.00 pts)					SCORING: Tom Brady 30 yd TD pass to Donte' Stallworth (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 2 yd TD pass to Kyle Brady (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 35 yd TD pass to Randy Moss (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 50 yd TD pass to Randy Moss (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 14 yd TD pass to Wes Welker (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 16 yd TD pass to Wes Welker (6.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 20 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Wes Welker 14 yd TD pass from Tom Brady (6.00 pts) Wes Welker 16 yd TD pass from Tom Brady (6.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk 45 yd FG (3.60 pts)
GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Tony Romo 277 yards passing (9.20 pts) Tony Romo 4 combined rushing and receiving yards (0.20 pts) Cedric Benson 65 combined rushing and receiving yards (4.20 pts) LaMont Jordan 69 combined rushing and receiving yards (4.60 pts) Donte' Stallworth 51 combined rushing and receiving yards (3.40 pts) Roddy White 110 combined rushing and receiving yards (7.20 pts) Jeremy Shockey 39 combined rushing and receiving yards (2.60 pts) John Abraham 1 tackle (1.00 pts) John Abraham 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Mario Williams 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Ray Lewis 8 tackles (8.00 pts) Ray Lewis 5 assists (2.50 pts) Ray Lewis 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Ernie Sims 8 tackles (8.00 pts) Ernie Sims 5 assists (2.50 pts) Ed Reed 3 tackles (3.00 pts) Ed Reed 3 assists (1.50 pts) Ed Reed 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Roy Williams 2 tackles (2.00 pts) Roy Williams 2 assists (1.00 pts) Roy Williams 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts)					GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Tom Brady 354 yards passing (11.80 pts) Joseph Addai 107 combined rushing and receiving yards (7.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 75 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.00 pts) Dwayne Bowe 84 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.60 pts) Dwayne Bowe 1 tackle (1.00 pts) Wes Welker 138 combined rushing and receiving yards (9.20 pts) Vernon Davis 22 combined rushing and receiving yards (1.40 pts) Will Smith 3 tackles (3.00 pts) Will Smith 2 assists (1.00 pts) Kelly Gregg 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Kelly Gregg 2 assists (1.00 pts) Kelly Gregg 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Antonio Pierce 5 tackles (5.00 pts) Antonio Pierce 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Antonio Pierce 1 interception (4.00 pts) E.J. Henderson 8 tackles (8.00 pts) E.J. Henderson 3 assists (1.50 pts) Walt Harris 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Walt Harris 1 assist (0.50 pts) C.C. Brown 3 tackles (3.00 pts) C.C. Brown 2 assists (1.00 pts) C.C. Brown 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts)
DEDUCTIONS: Tony Romo 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts)					DEDUCTIONS: Adrian Peterson 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts)

I of the Liger

Yesterday I wrote about wanting to pen a Romeo and Juliet style saga about a lion and a tiger who fall in love, which if of course forbidden, and they breed a liger, which leads the cats to glory. This has to be my best crazy soap opera idea since I wanted to write GI JOE: THE MUSICAL. The problem is, you can't write something like this yourself. It's too crazy. You have to have someone bounce ideas off you. For instance, tigers are not known to live in Africa. How to solve this dilemma. Secondly if I make "I of the Liger (my working title) a musical, do I need to keep the project G/PG, in the hopes that Disney might pick it up, or can I aim more for adults. For that matter, how many adults would be interested in a Romeo and Juliet style musical about a forbidden love between two giant cats, and the even bigger cat that came from their love. (A cat of "Destiny," of course.)

I need some feedback here.

Romeo and Juliet for Cats

There's a program on the National Geographic Channel called Planet Carnivore. Have you seen it? Totally awesome. The episode I watched last night was about these lions. It was brutal and beautiful at the same time.

For example, they showed what happens when a male takes over a pride. He immediately hunts down and kills all the cubs that are not his. I knew that happened, but I've never seen it before. (Speaking of which, how is it that lions can tell at a glance whether a cub comes from them, but humans cannot?)

Also, the bigger the mane the more impressive the lion, which makes sense, but also the darker. Humans tend to think the golden manes are so pretty, but I guess it's true what they say about black-maned lions....



Anyway, so I was watching these lions last night and I got this idea. The male lion Morani was huge! (500 pounds), which is almost as big as a siberian tiger. But it would be dwarfed by a liger. So I was thinking, what if a siberian tiger and an African lion had a romance (Romeo and Juliet style), and produced this liger, which would lead the cats on to glory or something?

I totally want to write this story now. But I don't want to do it alone. Anyone interested?

Smart

I was talking to my mom last night about a poem I remember from one of the Shel Silverstein books, and I looked it up to read it to her. She liked it so much I thought I'd do the same thing here:

Smart
by Shel Silverstein

"My dad gave me one dollar bill
'Cause I’m his smartest son,
And I swapped it for two shiny quarters
'Cause two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
And traded them to Lou
For three dimes – I guess he don't know
That three is more than two!

Just then, along came old blind Bates
And just 'cause he can't see
He gave me four nickels for my three dimes,
And four is more than three!

And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs
Down at the seed-feed store,
And the fool gave me five pennies for them,
And five is more than four!

And then I went and showed my dad,
And he got red in the cheeks
And closed his eyes and shook his head –
Too proud of me to speak!"

Conversations with Kaida (Part 2)

So, I'm talking to Kaida two nights ago, telling her about how all babies are ugly (see part 1), and she's mad at me.

I mention this because a few minutes later she suddenly sounds all flirtatious and bubbly. This is strange since she has been mad at me for some time. (Because of the baby thing.)

Anyway, something wasn't adding up. I asked her what she was trying to hide, and Kaida's all like "nothing. nothing at all."

Well, I knew that was a lie, but what? I asked her what she was doing, and she said killing a spider. That didn't help me much, so I kept guessing. Something had just happened. A handsome guy on TV? A handsome man JUST WALKING IN HER HOME??????

What could it be?

Finally, after I pressed her and pressed her, she admitted that she didn't want the spider to get suspicious as she snuck up on it to kill it, so she'd made her voice light and airy. You know, like how you'd talk to a dog if you're going to give him a bath or take him to the vet or give him to your hair stylist or something.

Of course as soon as I put the pieces together I laughed for twenty minutes (and probably ruptured something). I'm not even sure spiders have ears (science nerds: wanna help out on this?), but I'm almost positive that they don't listen to our tone of voice.

But hey, what do I know? If there's every a spider in the future I'm just going to go find Kaida.

Fantasy Football Week 7 preview

Before I get to the preview, I wanted to amend something I wrote earlier in the week.

When I defeated then-league best Johnny Utah (158.8 - 137.0), what made it extra sweet is that Johnny Utah had--by far--the second best score in the league that week. That means his team would have beaten EVERY OTHER TEAM. He just had the bad luck to go up against me.


Okay, as for Week 7, the Black Dwarf Juggernauts (my current team name, although I'm changing that as soon as I finish this post) go up against Raegan's a Calvin Fan. If you are becoming a fan of the Black Dwarves (and really: why aren't you?), here are some people to root against:

Dallas QB Tony Romo
Chicago RB Cedric Benson
Oakland RB Lamont Jordan
New England WR Donte Stallworth

This last one is galling because I drafted Donte (quite highly), and he was hurt early in the season. I had no room and had to take him off my roster, and before I could get him back Raegan snatches him up. Grrrrr.

For me, my usual big three (Tom Brady, Joseph Addai, Adrian Peterson) should all be playing. Big games from them and I hopefully do okay. The only fear is that I missed the Waiver Wire (again). My crazy commissioner has the Waiver Wire on Wednesday night instead of Tuesday night (he's a fascist), so I almost always forget. I have several key players on byes, but hopefully I can find some hidden talent by doing my homework.


About my team name: it would be hubris to think I could have the league high score for the third week in a row. This means that I can only change my team name up to game time. I could always go back to Baryon the MACHO Black Dwarf. That's what I started with. However, I do like to mix it up, so if you have a suggestion, please let me know ASAP! (I'm staying with the Black Dwarf theme.)

EDIT: I just changed my name to "Your daughter dates Black Dwarves." The "Raegan" in my team's name refers to the team owner's daughter, and I want to tweak him a bit. I won't keep that through the weekend, however, so I need your help!

Conversations with Kaida (Part 1)

Two nights ago several of us went to Outback to celebrate the birthday of a hero, so toast his life and talk about memories. (I may write a column on it, but who knows?)

While we were there, there was this baby in a high chair, sitting in what looked like an upside-down jester hat!



Just now I spent ten minutes looking online, and I found this. It's pretty close to what I saw, although the colors are more like the picture above:



Anyway, the baby was tiny, and sitting inside the jester hat it just struck me, and I even smiled at the baby quite a bit. Of course later I was talking to Kaida and she thought it was a great moment, and I made it clear I didn't think the baby is cute, because that is impossible.

I refer to you a column I wrote back in October of 2002, Potpourri, Volume VII:

THE UGLY TRUTH

Okay, people, I don’t want to start any riots here, but it’s time the truth was told, without fear or favor: while it seems to be a natural phenomenon that all animal babies are cute, all human babies are ugly. This doesn’t mean we don’t love them, aren’t proud of them, and can’t wait to fulfill our own meaningless lives by living vicariously through them, but we have to face the truth here, people. Babies are not aesthetically attractive when they are first born. It’s amazing to me how many people cannot accept this; especially women. They argue vociferously that babies are cute. Or, what’s worse, they admit the plain truth that most babies are not going to be Miss America candidates, but insist that their daughter/cousin/neighbor/co-worker/grandson’s baby is indeed beautiful enough to make Joan of Arc wither in shame. Give it up folks.

And while I’m on the subject, for the first few months, at least half a year, babies do not look like you or your dad or your Uncle Lenny. In fact, unless you have a Shar-Pei dog in the house, or Uncle Lenny is a red-faced mewling stinky drunk who cries a lot and sleeps the rest of the time, your baby only resembles the other ugly babies. In fact, I’m pretty sure this whole delusion that people (read: women) have into thinking babies are cute is nature’s way of making sure new exhausted mothers don’t trade their baby in on a masseuse.

I'm sorry if that upsets you, but it's the simple truth. The Hyperion of five years ago was a visionary. Babies are ugly, pure and simple, and it is genetics that trick us into thinking otherwise.

Of course Kaida disagreed, but sometimes women just can't face the truth.

Where the Bitches at? Follow-up

A Note from Yesterday's Column.

I received several emails defending Ellen DeGeneres, either absolutely or by saying both sides were wrong. Friends, you just don't know what I know. I left much out that I should have put in. Plus, events happened right as I posted, that had I known about, I NEVER would have spent two hours re-writing and re-writing that column, trying to take much of the mean out. I don't care what Mutts & Moms did; Ellen DeGeneres is 100% wrong in this. I give you two things to look into should you doubt me: there is video available (pretty much anywhere), of Ellen and Portia rushing to the sytlist's house to comfor the teary kids. Think about that. Have you ever comforted children? Did you bring camera crews along? Can you think of any reason to bring camera crews along, other than to manipulate the situation? Secondly, Good Morning America yesterday (you can find the video on their website), ran a puff piece, seemingly objective but very subtly taking Ellen's side. It's worth watching the video (about three and a half minutes) to see what I'm talking about. Little things like emphasis on the right words by the reporter to call into question the Shelter's actions and justify Ellen's. As far as I'm concerned it's game, set and match. Ellen is at least capable of acting like any other celebrity. If I told you the circumstances of Ellen's dog but put in "Paris Hiton" as the party responsible, you'd be calling for her head. Don't press me on this, people; I'm leaving the dark side. You don't want me back there.

Black Dwarves = JUGGERNAUTS

Well, my boys did it again. Not only did the Black Dwarves beat league best Johnny Utah 158.9 - 137.0, but for the second week in a row (and the third time in six), we were the highest scoring team in the league!

Boo-yah!

Saturday night I changed my official team name from Baryon the MACHO Black Dwarf to Black Dwarves get all the Tail. And do you know why I was able to do that? Because I had every confidence I'd be the high scorer again soon, thus allowing me to change it back. Did I know it would happen this soon? No. Am I surprised? No. My guys are AWEEEESOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEE.

We're now 5-1, and having just crushed the only other 5-1 team, we are the clear class of the league at this point. (And don't even get me started on the Shadow Championship.) Does this mean there is not cause for concern? Of course not. Teams get cold. Tom Brady has a bye coming up, and he's the best player in the league so far. Stubborn ROFLsberger is hanging around in my division at 4-2, and one stumble puts me back in a tie!

But enough hand wringing. Let's look at total points. Thus far my Dwark Dwarves have scored 739.7 points, which is a 123.28 average. To put that in perspective, second place has scored 89.5 points fewer; 650.2 (108.37 average), and last place only 468.4, which is 271.3 points off my pace!

I have never been this good at this point in the season. I'm not positive, but I don't think any team in our league has. Of course, this is usually the time the gods punish me with an injury or a losing streak, and trust me: I'm not thumbing my nose at their hoary wisdom.

I'm just enjoying the ride for as long as I can. There is nothing wrong with that, right?

Box Score for Week 6

		Johnny Utah Owner: Tits McGee				Black Dwarf Juggernauts! Owner: Hyperion
12.80 Vinny Testaverde CAR QB CAR 25 FINAL ARI 10 20-33, 206 yds passing (1 TDs) 1.80 Clinton Portis WAS RB WAS 14 FINAL GNB 17 20 carries, 64 yds rushing, 1 fumble(s) 3 catches, 25 yds receiving 24.20 Maurice Jones-Drew JAC RB HOU 17 FINAL JAC 37 12 carries, 125 yds rushing (2 TDs) 4 catches, 59 yds receiving 9.80 Randy Moss NWE WR NWE 48 FINAL DAL 27 6 catches, 59 yds receiving (1 TDs) 16.00 Steve Smith CAR WR CAR 25 FINAL ARI 10 2 carries, 15 yds rushing 10 catches, 136 yds receiving (1 TDs) 5.20 Owen Daniels HOU TE HOU 17 FINAL JAC 37 5 catches, 79 yds receiving 16.70 Matt Stover BAL K STL 3 FINAL BAL 22 5 FGs (43,42,23,31,36), 1 PAT 9.00 Jason Taylor MIA DL MIA 31 FINAL CLE 41 4 tackles, 1.0 sack, 1 FR 12.00 Jared Allen KAN DL CIN 20 FINAL KAN 27 2 tackles, 1 assist, 2.5 sacks, 1 FF 11.50 Rocky McIntosh WAS LB WAS 14 FINAL GNB 17 7 tackles, 3 assists, 1 pass defensed, 1 FF 4.00 Will Witherspoon STL LB STL 3 FINAL BAL 22 4 tackles 7.00 Rodney Harrison NWE DB NWE 48 FINAL DAL 27 3 tackles, 1 pass defensed, 1.0 sack 7.00 Antoine Winfield MIN DB MIN 34 FINAL CHI 31 5 tackles, 1 FR 137.00					39.10 Tom Brady NWE QB NWE 48 FINAL DAL 27 31-46, 388 yds passing (5 TDs) 3 carries, 5 yds rushing, 1 fumble(s) 8.40 Jason Wright CLE RB MIA 31 FINAL CLE 41 20 carries, 59 yds rushing (1 TDs), 1 fumble(s) 3 catches, 39 yds receiving 33.40 Adrian Peterson MIN RB MIN 34 FINAL CHI 31 20 carries, 224 yds rushing (3 TDs) 1 catch, 9 yds receiving 3.00 Dwayne Bowe KAN WR CIN 20 FINAL KAN 27 4 catches, 46 yds receiving 20.20 Wes Welker NWE WR NWE 48 FINAL DAL 27 11 catches, 124 yds receiving (2 TDs) 3.80 Antonio Gates SDG TE OAK 14 FINAL SDG 28 3 catches, 58 yds receiving 9.00 Nick Folk DAL K NWE 48 FINAL DAL 27 2 FGs (38,23), 3 PATs 0.00 Will Smith NOR DL NOR 28 FINAL SEA 17 17.00 Julius Peppers CAR DL CAR 25 FINAL ARI 10 6 tackles, 1 assist, 1.5 sacks, 2 FF, 1 FR 4.00 London Fletcher WAS LB WAS 14 FINAL GNB 17 3 tackles, 2 assists 11.50 Antonio Pierce NYG LB NYG 31 FINAL ATL 10 7 tackles, 1 assist, 1 pass defensed, 1.0 sack 4.50 Adrian Wilson ARI DB CAR 25 FINAL ARI 10 4 tackles, 1 assist 5.00 C.C. Brown HOU DB HOU 17 FINAL JAC 37 3 tackles, 1 FF 158.90
SCORING: Vinny Testaverde 65 yd TD pass to Steve Smith (6.00 pts) Maurice Jones-Drew 7 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Maurice Jones-Drew 57 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Randy Moss 6 yd TD pass from Tom Brady (6.00 pts) Steve Smith 65 yd TD pass from Vinny Testaverde (6.00 pts) Matt Stover 43 yd FG (3.40 pts) Matt Stover 42 yd FG (3.30 pts) Matt Stover PAT (1.00 pts) Matt Stover 23 yd FG (3.00 pts) Matt Stover 31 yd FG (3.00 pts) Matt Stover 36 yd FG (3.00 pts)					SCORING: Tom Brady 6 yd TD pass to Randy Moss (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 35 yd TD pass to Wes Welker (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 12 yd TD pass to Wes Welker (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 1 yd TD pass to Kyle Brady (6.00 pts) Tom Brady 69 yd TD pass to Donte' Stallworth (6.00 pts) Jason Wright 1 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 67 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 73 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Adrian Peterson 35 yd rushing TD (6.00 pts) Wes Welker 35 yd TD pass from Tom Brady (6.00 pts) Wes Welker 12 yd TD pass from Tom Brady (6.00 pts) Nick Folk 38 yd FG (3.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk PAT (1.00 pts) Nick Folk 23 yd FG (3.00 pts)
GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Vinny Testaverde 206 yards passing (6.80 pts) Clinton Portis 89 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.80 pts) Maurice Jones-Drew 184 combined rushing and receiving yards (12.20 pts) Randy Moss 59 combined rushing and receiving yards (3.80 pts) Steve Smith 151 combined rushing and receiving yards (10.00 pts) Owen Daniels 79 combined rushing and receiving yards (5.20 pts) Jason Taylor 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Jason Taylor 1.0 sack (3.00 pts) Jason Taylor 1 fumble recovered (2.00 pts) Jared Allen 2 tackles (2.00 pts) Jared Allen 1 assist (0.50 pts) Jared Allen 2.5 sacks (7.50 pts) Jared Allen 1 fumble forced (2.00 pts) Rocky McIntosh 7 tackles (7.00 pts) Rocky McIntosh 3 assists (1.50 pts) Rocky McIntosh 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Rocky McIntosh 1 fumble forced (2.00 pts) Will Witherspoon 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Rodney Harrison 3 tackles (3.00 pts) Rodney Harrison 1.0 sack (3.00 pts) Rodney Harrison 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Antoine Winfield 5 tackles (5.00 pts) Antoine Winfield 1 fumble recovered (2.00 pts)					GAME TOTAL BONUSES: Tom Brady 388 yards passing (12.90 pts) Tom Brady 5 combined rushing and receiving yards (0.20 pts) Jason Wright 98 combined rushing and receiving yards (6.40 pts) Adrian Peterson 233 combined rushing and receiving yards (15.40 pts) Dwayne Bowe 46 combined rushing and receiving yards (3.00 pts) Wes Welker 124 combined rushing and receiving yards (8.20 pts) Antonio Gates 58 combined rushing and receiving yards (3.80 pts) Julius Peppers 6 tackles (6.00 pts) Julius Peppers 1 assist (0.50 pts) Julius Peppers 1.5 sack (4.50 pts) Julius Peppers 2 fumbles forced (4.00 pts) Julius Peppers 1 fumble recovered (2.00 pts) London Fletcher 3 tackles (3.00 pts) London Fletcher 2 assists (1.00 pts) Antonio Pierce 7 tackles (7.00 pts) Antonio Pierce 1 assist (0.50 pts) Antonio Pierce 1.0 sack (3.00 pts) Antonio Pierce 1 pass defensed (1.00 pts) Adrian Wilson 4 tackles (4.00 pts) Adrian Wilson 1 assist (0.50 pts) C.C. Brown 3 tackles (3.00 pts) C.C. Brown 1 fumble forced (2.00 pts)
DEDUCTIONS: Clinton Portis 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts)					DEDUCTIONS: Tom Brady 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts) Jason Wright 1 fumble lost (-4.00 pts)