Uncle Miltie and the Feral Dogs

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places."
~Milton Berle

I have to confess I hadn't quite gotten into the spirit of Fantasy Football this year. It's not a hangover from my '07 end of the Season Debacle; it's merely that I've been concentrating on other things, and preoccupied. However, last night something happened to get me into the swing of things.

As luck would have it, for the first time since the draft started Monday, 11 (of the 12) of us are all online at once. Sadly, the 12th guy was the one whose turn it was, so we're all kind of sitting there twiddling our thumbs.

One guy--I'll call him "Chevy,"--quips that it sure seems slow this year. (When I say quips, I mean writes on the Live Draft Message Board. You have to imagine a fast-moving space where 12 guys regularly trash each other. In fact, let that be your warning for the rest of what I'm about to reveal.)

Anyway, I shoot back at Chevrolet that maybe it's not the Draft that's slow, but him. Why do I do this? It's the Message Board, baby. (Also: Chevy made fun of my team last year.)

I then go for the double joke, a Hyperion Classic. "Just kidding," I say, then stick the knife back in. "Actually, from every woman and feral dog I talk to, you're not slow at all. They say you're quite fast on the trigger."

Laughs all around.

(If you don't know what that means, I'm not explaining it. Well, okay. Try here.)

Chevy's a pretty good sport, and he chimes in that he might name his team "Feral Dogs" for this season. Then "Endcat" pops up to ask how, logically, Chevy could have domesticated dogs yet they are still feral. (It's like he was setting me up, although I swear we didn't plan it.)

I jump right back in. "They're feral because Chevy hasn't taught them to come yet."

Okay, so we're 12 years old. It's still pretty hilarious.


In case you're interested, as of Round 9 this is my team so far:

Tom Brady QB NWE
Joseph Addai RB IND
Adrian Peterson RB MIN
Kevin Curtis WR PHI
Jerricho Cotchery WR NYJ
Santonio Holmes WR PIT
Vernon Davis TE SFO
Jason Taylor DL WAS
Antonio Cromartie DB SDG

My 5th Rounder Curtis is already hurt, forcing me to take a 3rd WR early, which means I few defensive players so far, putting me behind the 8-ball, but whatcha gonna do?

My team for the Draft is "Uncle Miltie," which I may or may not keep for the season. Uncle Miltie is of course Milton Berle, early TV star and comedian. The reason I chose this name is because of how dominant my team was last year, and my plans to switch things up.

This goes back to Milton Berle. Besides being a legendary performer, Milton was also legendary for being...um, blessed by God. Even his Wikipedia page mentions it!

Berle was also famous within show business for the rumored size of his penis. Phil Silvers once told a story about standing next to Berle at a urinal, glancing down, and quipping, "You'd better feed that thing, or it's liable to turn on you!" Saturday Night Live writer Alan Zweibel, who had written many Friars Club jokes about Berle's penis for other comedians, described being treated to a private showing: "He just takes out this— this anaconda. He lays it on the table and I'm looking into this thing, right? I'm looking into the head of Milton Berle's dick. It was enormous. It was like a pepperoni. And he goes, 'What do you think of the boy?' And I'm looking right at it and I go, 'Oh, it's really, really nice.'" At a memorial service for Berle at the New York Friars' Club, Freddie Roman solemnly announced, "On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried."

My favorite story about Uncle Miltie's, um, blessedness involves the periodic challenges. Apparently, outside the ladies, no one ever saw the full package. It would go like this.....

Some young buck, new to Hollywood, would approach Milton Berle, and bring up the endowment, saying, ""I hear you've got the biggest dick in comedy."

And Miltie would say back to him, "Well, I'm a modest man..."

And the kid says, "Come on... we'll have a contest."

And Miltie says, "No no no..."

and the kid says, "Come on... we'll have a contest..."

And Miltie says, "Kid, gimme a break."

and the kid says, "You chicken, Miltie? I'll whip out mine and you whip out yours and we'll see whose is bigger! Come on!"

and Miltie smiles and says, "Fine. But I'm only taking out enough to win."

That's my plan for Fantasy Football. No more crushing teams by 40, making them look horrible. My new plan is to bench my starters on Monday Nights, and tantalize my opponent that maybe they have a chance, while knowing they don't. In other words, I plan on doing just enough to win.


Hyperion
August 22, 2008

Oh, Miltie!