Third Sign of the Apocalypse: Ice Cream

It's been years since I bought ice cream. When I did, I always liked to mix it up. I love the classics, but then the second one would be a risk, something new to try. Sometimes I'd get lucky, and discover something like Moose Tracks, while other times the ice cream was so dull (or salty, or sharp, or just off) that it would sit in the freezer until six months later, when super hot water in the sink washed the remaining two thirds of the carton down the drain.

The other night, for the first time in nearly a decade, I was once again in a position to buy some ice cream. I was excited but nervous; I no longer had any idea what I was doing. Usually there is one good brand on sale, if you are patient, and I was going to go pure classic--like Rocky Road--to avoid disappointment. But what's the fun in that?

I found some sort of new chocolate concoction (Edy's), until I noticed it was Lite. C'mon, people. If you're going to get ice cream, you have to go for full flavor. If you're that worried about fat, DON'T EAT ICE CREAM. I would much rather have half as often, as long as the ice cream I did have was actually good.

I actually had the Edy's in the brown paper bag (which is either to help keep the ice cream cold, or help you fit in with winos), when I came toBreyers. My recollection--and this may be hazy--is that Breyers was as good as you can get, and far fewer preservatives. In particular, Breyers Strawberry and Breyers Cookies and Cream are simply sublime.

That's when I saw it. Breyers CHOCOLATE Cookies and Cream. Could one of the greatest flavors of all time just gotten even better?

I was so enamored with the idea of adding chocolate to one of my favorite flavors, that I failed to notice the problem. It wasn't Lite. Oh, no.

IT WAS FAT FREE.


ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Kill me. Just kill me now.

Sadly, I did not notice this until just a few minutes ago, when I finally opened the ice cream. However, what are you going to do? Might as well give it a shot, right?

To you Cookies and Cream lovers, you know how some Cookies and Cream ice creams (like Breyers) are perfection itself, while others look like someone simply jammed generic hydrox cookies into vanilla? True cookies and cream is a bit grey, and has all those flecks.

My Breyers may have been fat free, but it was still Breyers Cookies and Cream, right?

In a word: no.




Big moist chunks of cookie? Nope. Little flecks spread all throughout? Nope. I don't know how to describe what the texture is actually like, but let's just say that I would rather try "Yeast Infection" flavor next time than this piece of garbage again.