Hillary for President

It seems to be the worst kept secret in the world that Hillary Clinton is running for President in 2008. I’m of two minds about this. (Analytically, that is. Politically is another matter.) On the one hand, there has never been a serious female candidate for the presidency, and women might collectively come together and support her, under the notion that if they don’t support a woman when they can, the next shot may not come for years, decades even. On the other hand, very people engender dislike like Hillary Clinton, and people will move here and become citizens just to vote against her.

Anyway, once she announces we can hash over her qualifications or not. For now, I thought we’d ask the question is Hillary Clinton the best Hillary for the job?

Candidate #1 – Hillary Clinton

Pros: Senator from New York. Spent 8 years working in the West Wing, so presumably won’t bump into the furniture, is married to a former president, and could presumably rely in his counsel and advice. Is by all accounts a very intelligent, ambitious and powerful woman.

Cons: Where to start? Perceived lack of qualifications, that she got her Senator seat on her husband’s name and the six month journalistic blow job that was the N.Y. Times. Often appears disingenuous, like claiming to be a Yankees fan when she started running in New York (when previously she was a self-confessed lifelong Cubs fan), or claiming in New Zealand to have been named after Sir Edmund Hillary (despite being five years old when Hillary rose to fame by scaling Mt. Everest). Comes across very strident and politically opportunistic, makes Bill Clinton seem almost sympathetic.

Candidate #2 – Hilary Swank

Pros: Two-time Oscar winner, playing roles that are so difficult, it’s difficult to picture anyone but her doing them. Once worked with the immortal Ian Zierling on 90210; cleans up fairly well; can act like a “man” if protocol calls for it.

Cons: Totally emasculated her husband Chad Lowe (Rob Lowe’s brother) by not thanking him in her first Oscar acceptance speech; seems to only act well when trailer trash is involved (otherwise disappearing); looks vaguely like a younger horsey Julia Roberts; made Clint Eastwood cry.

Candidate #2 – Hilary Duff

Pros: Had a famous spat with (a then voluptuously gorgeous) Lindsay Lohan, giving hopes to the idea that a Cat Fight leading to kissing—or better—might occur; nice teeth; has mastered TV, Movies, a clothing line and a singing career, this giving hope she could handle foreign and domestic policy (okay a reach, but this is hard); still claims to be a virgin.

Cons: Legally not old enough to be president; makes Britney sound like a good singer; might be indirectly responsible for Lindsay Lohan losing all that weight; DuffStuff backpacks use “questionable” foreign labor (okay, I made that one up); doesn’t have a great body; annoying horse-like sister.

Candidate #4 – Sir Edmund Hilary

Pros: Distinguished War-service career (not like those draft-dodgers Duff and Swank); spend much of his life doing philanthropy, focusing on the Sherpas (a distant relative of River Midgets, which only affects Tobias, but still); famously was the first to scale Mt. Everest.

Cons: Got in a spat later on with Tenzing Norgay about who actually made it to the top first, in what seems clearly (at least according to this picture) to be a lover’s quarrel; is 87 years old, which gives rise to legitimate health concerns; is not from America, which would mean standing the entire Constitution on its head for one person.

The verdict? Sir Edmund Hilary. He might bring down the government, but at least he’s a man, baby.