Anna Nicole Smith

Before I begin I want to admit two things right up front:

First, I have absolutely no factual basis to make the following claim. Normally I harpoon people who sit around on TV engaging in pure speculation about celebrity news events without any evidence whatsoever. I am only making this ONE TIME exception because if I am right it is the greatest call of all time and I must get it on record first.

Secondly, up to this point I have cared not a fig for Anna Nicole Smith, other than to the extent that hearing about her annoyed me. And while all human life is precious (legal boilerplate, blah blah blah), I take absolutely no shame in snarkily ripping her last few days. Deal.

I got a phone call last night from Kaida, whose first words were "Anna Nicole Smith is dead."

Though still half asleep, my immediate thought was "She killed herself."

Big deal, right? Like it takes a real genius to see that one coming. However, this was followed by several rapid-fire thoughts that hit me like a ton of bricks. (Lightning had struck my brain.)

Not only did Anna Nicole Smith kill herself, my still sleepy brain told me, she did so because yesterday a judge said she had to submit to a paternity test.

Here's where it gets funky: The reason that judgment was the catalyst for Anna Nicole Smith to take her own life is that she knows the paternity test is not going to reveal which of the two men currently duking it out is the father of Anna's daughter.

No, I predict the paternity test will reveal that Anna Nicole Smith's son was the father. Futhermore, I think this bears directly on his utterly bizarre death last year; either a suicide over the guilt, or possibly she even killed him.

Now, I know this is complete speculation, and not even remotely plausible. But when this turns out to be true you tell every man woman and child who told you first.

Oh, and "Anna Nicole Smith Naked" and "nude pictures of Anna Nicole Smith" do not appear in this post, but I figured writing those words might scare up a few more visitors, so consider me a shameless whore. (Sort of fits the theme.)