The Devil's Dictionary

Here are a few definitions from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary. Bierce was a fiery ol' son of a gun, a misanthrope of the caliber I can only pray one day to attain. Even though he published this almost 100 years ago it's still one of the most bitingly funny books ever written:

Envelope, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

Otherwise, adv. No better.

Quorum, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.

Die, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:

A cube of cheese no larger than a die
May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.

Picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.

"Behold great Daubert's picture here on view—
Taken from Life." If that description's true,
Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.
Jali Hane.

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Speaking of Pictures, I need your help with something. I am writing a story about the woman below (please click on her full a larger size with more detail available), and I'm stuck. I need to know: what's she thinking? What happened right before this scene? Anything you can tell me would me most appreciated!

Snot-Head

For the last week I've had a very bad cold. I hate colds, especially during the Summer. I've been blowing my nose almost non-stop, to the point where I have those annoying red sores on the corners of my nose and my head feels hollow and cold-like, if that makes any sense. It's awful.

Here's the point: I have been blowing my nose continually, even though it's been keeping me from sleep, because I can't stand to have my nasal passages blocked. Right now I am sitting at the library typing this and the guy next to me is snorting back a big ball of phlegm every two minutes or so. I cannot tell you how gross this is. It's almost making me throw up up each time.

How does someone get the gall to think we want him to sit among us and snort up snot all the time? What do people have against blowing your nose? Shouldn't that be common courtesty? I wouldn't sit here and rip long loud deadly farts while others were here, poisoning the atmosphere and killing the Sunday afternoon Library vibe. What makes this monster think I want to hear his behavior? It's like a combination of fingers on the chalkboard and watching someone eat their own snot.

I will now go throw up.

The Alec Baldwin/Snoop Dogg Memorial Sonova Club

Saw that Yeltsin died. I think for me the defining memory I’ll have or Yeltsin, more than preventing the so-called coup, more than his giggle-fest with Clinton that time is actually a scene from the Simpsons. Homer is drunk and Moe’s and has to take a Breathalyzer before Moe will let him drive.

As Homer blows in the tube his breath goes past Tipsy, Soused, Stinkin’ all the way to Boris Yeltsin.

Now that’s drunk.

I also have to say that I’m officially putting Boris Yeltsin in the Alec Baldwin/Snoop Dogg Memorial Sunova Club.

What is the A.C./S.D.M.S.C., you might ask? Both those dudes can be major-league schmucks, real A-holes. Alec is at least as obnoxious with his uninformed political tirades as Sean Penn, and Snoop can’t seem to go three months without getting arrested for smoking this, shooting that, and let’s not forget the porn tapes…

Yet no matter what they do, you just can’t help but like the guys. For some reason no one has ever held Alec’s personal crap against him like they sometimes do for others. He just seems like a likable S.O.B. Same for Snoop. Even conservatives find him entertaining and non-threatening, and whatever heat someone else might face for repeated law violations doesn’t seem to tough Snoop.

That’s kind of how I see Yeltsin. No matter what he did—and for a guy in power so long, it wasn’t much—you never really hated him like other Russian leaders. People hated Kruschev, and many folks hated Gobachev, before Time Magazine decide to credit Gorby with ending Communism more than Reagan (almost 17 years later and I’m STILL pissed). Even now many people seem to loath Putin.

But Yeltsin? Somehow he skated by. Whatever crazy thing he’d do people would just pass it off. “Oh, that Yeltsin!” He’s definitely in the club.