Greater Love Hath No Man Than This

Two nights before Valentine's Day my dad took my mom out for a quick bite to eat and a movie. No big deal, right? A little pre-holiday treat. Many men have done the same.

And what movie did my my father, a conservative pastor, who's been married longer than I've been alive ('cause that's how they rolled back in the day: Old School), and who likes John Wayne films and political thrillers and any movie with Gene Hackman or Robert Duvall....what movie did my mother choose to see?


HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

I am not kidding; when I found out this news I gave him a hug that lasted over a minute. I was so shocked (and felt so much concern for his well being), that at the time I neglected to think of the next obvious question: why on earth would my mother want to see that?



She likes chick-flicks, but for her it's Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock or (lately) Katherine Heigl. True, she does like Jennifer Aniston, but could this movie have been any less designed for her?


Well, yes. It was less designed for him.

New Food at Pizza Hut and Domino's

Recently I had the chance to check out new products from Pizza Hut and Domino's. I thought I would give little mini-reviews

Pizza Hut - Tuscani Oven-Baked Pasta

Everyone has seen the commercials. Fancy hip New Yorkers in some swanky restaurant for an exclusive "tasting" party, only to discover that--Surprise!--the pasta came from Pizza Hut. It's a great commercial because we get to laugh at New Yorkers, and it makes the pasta seem special and therefore desirable.

(Although: PH has now had three separate launches of pasta varieties. At some point you'd think people in Manhattan would quit being taken in by the same gimmick we all saw on TV! It's getting so bad that any day now a posse of Minnesotans are going to show up to bilk the New Yorkers out of all their cash.)

When Pizza Hut first introduced their new pasta, they had two choices: Creamy Chicken Alfredo, and Meaty Mariana. Later they brought out Premium Bacon Mac 'N Cheese, and just recently you could get Lasagna.



My first foray was the Alfredo, which I tried on January 20th, which happened to be the Inauguration. (Read the possibly racist comment the driver said, and what I think about it .)

My first thought was that it didn't appear to be nearly as much food as on TV. They claim 3 pounds, but the silver tray wasn't full, that is for sure. That said, it was delicious. the sauce was tangy, thick, and just a tiny bit sour, which I like in an Alfredo, to cut the richness. The pasta didn't feel overcooked, and I like PH chicken topping, which this was. Dipping breadsticks was even better, as they soaked up the creamy sauce and tasted even better than normal. And bear in mind, I had my pasta AFTER wolfing down half a Stuffed Crust pizza; extra points in my book.

The second time was a few days ago, when we got Lasagna. Now, like all people with a soul, I love lasagna. It's one of nature's perfect foods. I love a lot of different lasagnas, too. It's not like meatloaf, where you love your mom's but out in the world you can't predict when a meatloaf will be passable, and when you will light yourself on fire.

One of the best parts about lasagna is that it tastes just as good (and sometimes better) when you reheat it. This was my situation. I was asleep when the rest of the crowd ate, so I had to nuke my portion.



It was not a good experience. Again, the "look" of the product bothered me. I'm not questioning the three pounds advertised (I didn't weigh it, but I have no reason to believe they are making that up), but the lasagna did not even come up halfway on the aluminum tray. When you get lasagna at the store, it comes up all the way to the top.

More importantly, the taste was rubbery. The sauce was decent (how could it not be?), but the middle layer of lasagna pasta was stretchy and the ricotta tasted dehydrated. Also, there were very few layers. Maybe that's a personal thing, but I like my lasagna nice and thick.

It's only fair to point out that I talked to Carlos, who tried the lasagna as well, and he loved it. This could mean that it simply doesn't reheat well, or possibly that I just got a bad batch. (Jerrica was totally unimpressed as well, but maybe she's spoiled like I am.)



But here is the kicker: unlike the other pastas, which we got for $10.99, the Lasagna is $15. That's a lot of money, and when you consider that Stouffer's makes a GIANT version for around $10-12 that is AWESOME and very filling, I can't see very paying for this. True, you have to buy the Stouffer's yourself, and it takes two hours to cook. Still: you want lasagna, you make some sacrifices.

DOMINO'S - Oven-Baked Sandwiches

Any time we ever order delivery it's always Pizza Hut or Papa John's. Maybe things have changed, but my memory of Domino's pizza is such that I was in no hurry to see if they figured out how to cook anything.

Once again, enter Carlos. The Wolf-cat used to work with me at Pizza Hut, and currently runs a Papa John's. He knows pizza, and he eats it all the time. But Carlos started raving about the Domino's oven-baked sandwiches a month ago, and he has not shut up about it since.

Every time I would talk to him Carlos would ask if I had tried the oven-baked sandwiches, and sometimes he'd call with a new coupon deal he'd found that I could use. (Domino's has a deal for two oven baked sandwiches and a large one-topping pizza for $20. They also have a deal for one sandwich and a small pizza for $9, so Carlos figured he would order two of those and save $2. This led to a conversation about comparing diameter to area in circles, which is fascinating in its own right, but off-topic, so remind me and we can go over it another time.)

"It's the bread," Carlos raved. It's so good. It's better than Arby's or Subway."

Them's serious words. Carlos knows how I feel about sandwiches, and Arby's and Subway have been producing some great ones. It was his passion that finally convinced me. My sister ordered two different sandwiches for me to try (there are four total.)


Actually, I'd like to point out that in all of these tasting adventures, Jerrica paid. She is an incredibly generous person, and deserves a big shout-out.

Also-not for nothing--but the non-sandwich portion was messed up, including Jerrica's food. I have emailed Domino's, and am giving them one more day to contact her, else I'll be back here soon raising hell (and I saved my letter to them, for your enjoyment).

Domino's offers a Chicken Bacon Ranch, a Chicken Parm, a Philly Cheese-steak, and an Italian. (For what it's worth, Carlos says the Chicken Bacon Ranch is a dud.) I went with the Chicken Parm and the Philly--minus the awful onions, peppers and mushroom, and plus black olives. (I'd have added green olives too if they'd had any. It totally baffles me why anyone would want vomit-inducing onions, evil mushrooms and slimy peppers on a cheesesteak when you can have two kinds of olives! Some people....)

THE SANDWICHES WERE EVERYTHING THE COMMERCIALS AND CARLOS PROMISED, AND SO MUCH MORE!!!!!

Dude, it was the bread. I guess having that giant pizza oven really helps. If they are using a similar formula, maybe I need to try the pizza again, because these sandwiches were so good! The bread was soft and thick and yet not overpowering at all. There was a yeasty sweetness I could not get over. [JOKE REMOVED BY CENSOR BOARD]



The ingredients were good, too. My dad had half the Parm, and he was a big fan, and my mom had a third of the Philly, and was a convert. I would much rather have two of these sandwiches than a medium pizza any day.

Of course, what if Domino's refuses to make their transgressions right? Who wins then, my principles, or my raging hunger-lust? Tune in next time on "As the Food Burns."


(And if you have a food product you want me to review, send me the money and I will eat this food and write about it. What, you think I'm just made of money?)

Racist or Not? (You make the Call)

On January 20th, Inauguration, we ordered from Pizza Hut for lunch. The food arrived around 2:00, a couple of hours after President Obama had been sworn in.

It also happened to be bitterly cold here in Georgia, and my sister mentioned this at the open door as she was checking the order and paying the driver.

The driver said, "Well, they have come out and said why we are having this weather here."

(I was sitting a few feet away, only half paying attention, but I remember it seemed a bit out of the ordinary for a pizza delivery man to go into meteorology.)

The driver continued, "The reason we're having this freezing weather is because they always said it would be a cold day in Hell before we had a black president."

I was so stunned I just sat there, and in another 10 seconds the transaction was over, door shut. Then I started to get upset.

Why had he said that? I asked my sister if that was racist, and she thought he was just trying to make a joke, to get better tips. (In fairness, she might have been worried I would launch out and hobble down the steps and chase the guy. She is terrified I will make a scene.)

I didn't see the man, Jerrica said he was white, and that's what you would think she was if you looked at her. I couldn't get over what he said. He didn't exactly criticize Obama, or make any overt generalization. In a manner of speaking he was criticizing a country (or at least the South), which had always been presumed to be too racist to consider someone like Obama.

Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that his comment was racist, or at least prejudiced. I feel very strongly that if Jerrica were to look African-American that driver would have kept his thoughts to himself, and it seems to me that if you wouldn't tell a black family, it's probably racist.

Then again, I sometimes get accused of finding white sheets in every closet. (Well, there are white sheets in most closets, but you know what I mean. Looking for racism where it might not really be.) I didn't want to just judge someone on a snap impression; that's what prejudice is in the first place!

But I have never gotten over it. Perhaps it comes from the fact that since I got to Georgia, occasionally I have run into situations where it a group of people happened to not include any African-Americans, and a few times (more than a couple, but not a ton; I don't want to overstate the case) someone has felt free to tell a racist joke or make some comment.

This pisses me off to no end. How dare they assume I am going to be cool with that? I have gotten into more than one scrape over the matter.

So maybe my past experience has colored me. (no pun intended.) Maybe I'm tilting at windmills. Maybe the guy was just making a comment--something he'd heard--in an attempt to be funny and get a good tip. Maybe it's not worth getting upset.

But I'm not convinced.

What do you think?